R

Forward-looking or She Has Definitely Given Up Hope

2012-01-15T01:03:00.001+08:00

I was out shopping with my mom today and she suddenly told me,

Mum: "Next time if you don't get married, you can buy a house of your own. A small one..."
Me: "Wha..."
Mum: "...a 2-room flat."
Me: "Wha...what?"
Mum: "So that I can go and stay with you sometimes."
Me: "... ..."
Me: "Why must you stay over? I was thinking of a studio apartment."
Mum: "No, a 2-room flat. For me to sleep in when I visit you."

I can be pessimistic and say she has definitely given up hope, or I can say that we're forward-looking.

Forward-looking. Definitely forward-looking.

Review

2012-01-08T21:43:00.001+08:00

First week of school (and the new year) has passed and tomorrow's the second week. I still remember the first week last year when I was so overworked that I felt 1 month has passed by the end of a week. I have no idea how I survived 6 months after that.
This year, however, was a lot better. I felt a lot more in control, no doubt thanks to my new partners. I can't thank them enough for keeping me sane. And also because I had a better idea of what I wanted to do this time round, though things can certainly improve if I were still here beginning of next year. In addition, I just told myself to take it easy first. Why work myself to death in the first week when I'll have 101 things to cope with after that anyway? I do need to revise my skills though and there are lots of things to improve on.
Do I have my answer as to whether I should leave by mid-year when my bond ends? No, I still don't have an answer, though I dread going to work.

Well, here's a happy Week 2 to you! ("Argh" for me. Another tough case to handle tomorrow.)

Happy 2012!

2012-01-01T12:00:00.001+08:00

2012's nearly upon us now! In the beginning of the year, I made some resolutions and it's time to review them.

Resolutions of 2011:

1) Healthier lifestyle - sleeping earlier, exercising regularly. Basically means better time management, really.

Did I achieve this? Well, partly. I'm exercising regularly, though it could be more regular. Sometimes I sleep early, sometimes I don't. I'm starting to eat healthily now. OK, I'm gonna consider this PARTLY ACCOMPLISHED!

2) Make up my mind what I want to seriously embark on & start researching - Education Psychology? Clinical-areas? Music? Others?

How about this? I'm totally in the process of it still and it's something I'll seriously explore next year.

3) Earn more money. I actually have a long-term goal I want to achieve. I want to travel to Japan. My pay really forbids me to do so, not to mention I still have a debt to my mother I need to repay.

As for this, totally did not achieve. Oh but I've returned the debt to my mom, though my pay still suck. Travelling to Japan's still on the cards. I've also got an added burden now because both my parents have mentioned that they want to retire.

4) Continue growing mentally and emotionally.

Sure did this, and I'm glad at least I grew up a little bit more.

Time for 2012's resolutions. Seriously, this reminds me of those goals that we set at work.

2012's resolutions:

1) I resolve to be married to my work (in various ways), because I need to seriously consider my future pathway. I don't know about you, but I'm (almost) constantly in a state of fear that I'm going to screw up my life, or that I've already screwed up my life.
2) I resolve to blog once a day or once every two days. It's a resolution that cousin surfslayer and I set together, in a bid to keep our minds active and help us organize our thoughts.
3) I shall continue on the resolution to have a healthier lifestyle - exercising regularly and healthy eating habits.

What are your resolutions? Share them with me!
Have yourself a happy 2012!

Words

2011-12-30T00:58:00.000+08:00

Today, I'd like to speak a little bit about something related to my job. If you do not yet know, I deal with children with mild special needs and I help both these children as well as teachers teaching them, to hopefully try and make their lives a bit easier and better.

In this post, I refer specifically only to children with behavioural issues. Behavioural issues arising from Autism, ADHD and others.

In my line, it is an everyday occurrence for teachers to come to me and share a problem they have with a student with special needs in their class. Sometimes, they are seeking extra help, a solution. Other times, they just need a listening ear, a place to unload their frustrations. After all, anybody who has dealt with a child with special needs, especially those with behavioural issues, whether you're an educator or a caregiver, would know it is not an easy task. Fatigue, frustration, anger, helplessness and hopelessness occur more often than usual, especially if you're new to the whole thing, and even if you're not new to the whole thing.

I know that these teachers face extreme stress sometimes, just dealing with these children in their class, together with 30 other students. In addition, in my school, it is not just 1 child with special needs in 1 class. It is often to have 2 or 3 in one class. Imagine that stress!

Thus I can understand when teachers come to me frustrated, spewing words of anger and such. However, though I understand, these words still makes me feel sad, angry and frustrated. I know it is not healthy to absorb these words but I simply cannot help it. Many a times, I want to hide in a corner in school and cry or to take leave for one day just to get over it, but I can't. Blame my over-sensitive emotions if you'd like to!

Some words makes me feel frustrated and sad. For instance, "He/She's very naughty!", "He/She just don't want to do it!", or simply, "Tsk! *Sigh*" Then there are words that plainly makes me feel angry. For instance, very rarely, "Can they get out of my class or not?" If you're a caregiver, you might feel rather angry or offended. "How can educators say things like these?" you might ask. I don't think I can say if any of these words are right or wrong.

Over this short year, I've learnt that amongst the many reasons for these words, there is one which I've repeatedly found to be true: Fear because of lack of knowledge.
If you think of "knowledge" simply as knowing what the disorder or disability is about and then viola, you're an expert, then you're wrong. It isn't just knowing the theoretical knowledge, of which you still do need a lot of. It's also the experience of dealing with these children.
It's knowing how to change your teaching style to fit, not just that one child, but all of the students in your class.
It's knowing how to shift your attention from checking how many children have finished their work, to deciding what to do with those who've finished early or need more time, to a child asking for permission to go to the toilet, to deciding how best to do the next activity, to breaking up a potential quarrel between 2 children, to checking of the time and then to check that the child with special needs is OK.
It's also knowing the details of what made the child flare up, and the reason may be different every time by the way, and then trying to figure out what to do. On the spot.
It's trying to retrieve possible strategies from the depths of your brain to help this child while you're highly anxious and dealing with about 10 other decisions you have to concurrently make.

Really, it's about exploring something new and unknown. The same way the rest of us feel when we have to do something new and unknown, and when you have to be really good at it on the first try.

So I cannot blame the teachers for the words they say and their frustrations.

Nevertheless, the words still hurt me and I write this post because those words hurt me. And though I know where they are coming from, I still wish people can be a little kinder and mindful of what they say.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T11:14:00.000+08:00

Here's wishing all of you a

Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho!

Kindness Boomerang

2011-12-24T18:18:00.002+08:00

Kindness begets kindness! The acting is a little sucky, but still! Doesn't it describe how it feels sometimes? Yes, I have been kind to someone else before just because someone else had been kind to me that day. Being kind really brightens up one's day, why not try to be kind just once daily?

A "conveniently plastic" culture

2011-12-24T17:58:00.002+08:00

See that picture on the left? That bunch of cheaply manufactured plastic bags that won't put a dent in the pockets of the shopping mall's management?

It bugs the hell out of me.

For overseas friends and others who don't know what's it for - Whenever it rains, the stand magically appears. It's for shoppers entering the mall, to bag their wet umbrellas so as to prevent, I presume, either the floors of the mall getting dirty or the possibility of shoppers slipping and falling. It can be seen at various malls across Singapore.

This stand appears outside Hougang Mall whenever it rains - even a drizzle. Then you know what happens? The bin outside the mall gets stuffed full of these plastic bags.

It doesn't matter whether shoppers are holding a huge, long umbrella or a small, foldable one, I see both groups grab these plastics off the stand anyway. I will not comment on those whose umbrellas are huge, long ones though it's something to be improved on, but is it really so difficult to keep a small, used plastic bag inside our bags for our smaller sized wet umbrellas? The same plastic bag which can be aired at home and then used again? How about a re-usable ziplock bag?

In the mall, there are shops which give out reusable shopping bags, all the name of being environmentally-friendly. NTUC gives 10cents off if you purchase more than $10 worth of goods and do not need a plastic bag. The Body Shop just there in the background of the photo boasts of being environmentally-friendly. Out here, the mall's management puts out a stand with free plastic bags, which Singaporeans with our kiasu attitudes, takes and uses like nobody's business, then throws it away some 30 minutes later when they leave the mall.

Which is more telling of our attitudes towards being environmentally friendly? Those reusable shopping bags from shops (which we barely use, by the way), or the simple act of placing a stand of plastic bags outside the mall?

So disappointed and angry.

We truly have a "conveniently plastic" culture.

Drinkify

2011-11-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

Find the perfect drink to match the song you're listening to now: Drinkify. It tells you what drink you should be having to suit the music that you're listening to.

Window-shopping for love

2011-10-30T23:37:00.001+08:00

How is it that after so long, I still feel something towards him? Even I am surprised at myself. Cousin drew an analogy for this - "it's like putting all of those thoughts and feelings into a room. If you do not open it, you'll be OK. If you do, however..."

I prefer to describe my situation as such: Window-shopping. However, it is either too expensive for me to buy or by the time I get enough money, somebody else would've already gotten it.

Yeah, that pretty much how it feels for me.

Can see, cannot touch.

Where is Langkawi?

2011-10-29T23:39:00.000+08:00

Sister's friends were over and I happened to hear a tiny snippet of their conversation.

Sister: (referring to something)... it was bought in Langkawi.
Friend: Langkawi's in Malaysia.
Sister: No! Langkawi's in Sri Lanka!
Me: *spurt*

Yogurt

2011-10-26T23:14:00.000+08:00

I like yogurt.

More specifically, I like plain, set yogurt. In fact, I prefer set yogurt to stirred yogurt and plain yogurt to flavoured ones. Set yogurts are typically sour in taste and plain-flavoured. I find that it complements fruits which already taste sweet on their own, such as apples, extremely well.

I don't know if it's odd that I prefer sour tasting set yogurt to the supposedly sweeter and tastier stirred ones on the market. I haven't met anybody who likes the same thing as me and my brother says set yogurt tastes horrible. I like it so much, I once asked for it as a gift.

OK, I am going to do a post on set yogurt soon.

Have you ever tasted set yogurt? Which type of yogurt do you like?

Les Duos De Chats (Cat Duet) - PCCB

2011-10-23T21:01:00.000+08:00

I never really thought young boys could sing so beautifully until I heard this song. Super funny too! Listen to those voices! I'm completely in love with them.

I ultimately went on to search for boys choirs on youtube and ended up spending 2 hours watching a movie, "Les Choristes", which featured a boys choir. It was a movie worth watching - beautiful content with beautiful voices.

I hope you'll like this song as much as I did!

Same words, different meaning

2011-10-21T20:33:00.002+08:00

Pet Peeve

2011-09-10T11:32:00.005+08:00

Recently, I encountered somebody who exhibited one of my pet peeves through and through. This person thinks that others should not SMS them at unearthly hours of the day, e.g. 6am, when he/she is sleeping. If you're talking about phone calls, then I think it is completely reasonable to be pissed with people who call you at unearthly hours of the day (except if you're on overnight duty or you're late for an event - then hoho! others ought to be pissed at you instead!)

However, I find the idea of expecting others to refrain from SMS-ing at unearthly hours of the day completely ridiculous, especially since the very purpose of using SMS is so as not to disturb that person and allow for the person to respond as and when it is convenient. Granted that the function of SMS has changed over time, but that is still the main function of SMS.

These sort of people list many excuses why they need to have their phones on. E.g.:

I might forget to switch it on in the morning
I forgot to switch it off at night
I need to receive important calls
It's just not my habit to switch it off while I'm sleeping

Frankly, I don't care what reasons you give because:

If you forget to switch on/off, it seriously is none of our business. How do you like it if your co-worker forgets to check his/her email or something and then later on blame you for not telling him/her about the issue?
If you want to receive important calls but not be disturbed by SMSes, you can do something about it in your settings - some phones allow you to create settings (e.g. silent SMS, but still allowing phone to ring on calls) which you can easily select with a few presses. If your phone does not allow you to do so, and you say you are too lazy to go through the whole process everyday, then don't make excuses for your laziness and complain when others SMS you during inconvenient times.
Others really do not care what your personal habits are because their world do not revolve around yours
If you're irritated by your phone going off while you're sleeping, then just switch it off! Chances are, there will be no important calls or SMSes coming in during that time and you wouldn't be bothered enough to read it, anyway!

And if you think that I am going to make an effort to remember what time you are awake so that I can decide what time to SMS you, sorry, but my world does not revolve around you.

It's your phone and your life, for goodness' sake, not ours!

Unnecessary

2011-09-06T01:00:00.001+08:00

I violated the very foundation of education =( Felt so guilty after that.
Temper is never a good thing.

WRONG

2011-08-14T21:54:00.000+08:00

Tonight is a night of "Studying vs. Working" posts.

When I was a student, everything was Black and White, Nice and Light.
When I am working, everything is Grey, Heavy and Suffocating.
When I am studying and working at the same time, I flit between the two and the constant comparison makes Grey even more difficult to bear. So I try to escape.

I know it is not yet time and I still have lots to learn, but everyday, I feel like a prisoner. There really is nothing bad about my situation - it just feels wrong.

So wrong that it is difficult to bear.

Not sure if anybody understands what I'm saying, but never mind if nobody does.

That is all.

Energy

2011-08-14T20:35:00.000+08:00

I used up all my Studying Energy during University days. These days, I'm catching up on Lost Playing Time.

Another Home (the other National Day video)

2011-08-01T00:21:00.004+08:00

Harry Potter mania

2011-07-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

It is 10th July 2011, 4 days before Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 2) screens in Singapore.

Do you seriously think I'd be able to concentrate on anything else aside from that?

Watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on TV today while clutching a Harry Potter book is probably the happiest moment of my weekend. Watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday evening on the TV is the second happiest moment of my weekend. Submitting my entries to a Harry Potter Giveaway by Daphnemaia (you can check out the giveaway here) is probably the most exciting moment of my weekend.
By the way, I really really want the tickets, don't fight with me for that, OK! =P Just kidding! Do invite me if you participate and win the tickets! I just really really want to watch the movie!

Swirly lines and concentric circles

2011-06-22T12:20:00.000+08:00

If swirly lines and concentric circles encircle me....

Comes and goes with the wind

2011-06-21T01:28:00.001+08:00

There is a Chinese proverb, which, when translated into English, says, "Comes with the wind, goes with the wind."
There are some things I don't like to talk too much about.
If it comes, it comes, and I will treasure it.
If it goes, it goes, then so be it.

Of Workaholic and Loneliness

2011-06-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

For weeks now, I've been complaining how I do not have any spare time for myself and how every moment in time, whether or not I am physically engaged in doing work, my brain is somehow thinking about it. It became such that I would procrastinate doing work or steal time off to watch a movie/anime/read a book. So when I have finally gave myself a full break today after lessons (I had another break on Wednesday - note how this fact contradicts my very first sentence) which will stretch across to next Tuesday or Wednesday, I find myself sitting in a chair at home with no idea what to do with this luxury of having copious amounts of spare time on hand.

It is an incredibly horrible realization and a very sad one, to finally understand that I am, in a certain way, a workaholic. Though I do enjoy having time to relax and just sit doing nothing, I cannot do this for extended periods of time. I felt restless after a mere 4 hours (during which I had lunch, watched an anime, napped, slacked, jogged and had dinner) and actually seriously considered doing some work-related things. I didn't, of course, because the thought of having to complete work turns me off greatly. What a paradox!
Anyway it is very difficult for me to get back into the groove of work life after relaxing for a day or two.

However, that realization is nothing compared to another, more important revelation I had - I have a very boring life in general. I came to this revelation by the following chain of events:

My mom managed to get 4 complimentary tickets to Voyage de la Vie. My sister and I will be attending, so we have 2 more available tickets. Due to certain complications, my father, at that point in time, was unable to attend, as was my mother and brother. So the plan was that we would each ask someone else along. Simple! So I asked:

1) Friend 1 - She already have plans for Saturday evening.
2) Friend 2 - She already have plans for Saturday evening.
3) Friend 3 - She has personal matters to handle (which I fully respect).
4) Cousin 1 - She has already watched the show.
5) Cousin 2 - She already have plans for Saturday evening.
6) Cousin 3 - She already have plans for Saturday evening.
7) Cousin 4 - He already have plans for Saturday evening.

Somewhere between asking Cousin 2 and Cousin 3, I suddenly started wondering if all this time, everybody around me always had company on Saturday nights (or Friday nights, for that matter) and was going out. Except for me?
Wow, I never noticed.
Suddenly, I felt my loneliness increase 10-fold. Yet, I know this is purely my own creation, and if I were to make a choice between a lifestyle change from my current state to somebody who goes out frequently, I'd most likely choose the first again. It's not that I completely dislike how things are now, but things just get... very lonely, after a while.

Very, very lonely.

I Heart You Online

2011-05-30T00:14:00.001+08:00

I Heart You Online
by Rocky and Balls

Every morning I wake up with lingering dreams of you and my heart is beguile
I struggle to think just what else I can do, then log into my favourite online social networking website
I want to be in your profile picture
I want to be a permanent fixture on your wall
You're so beautiful
Wish I could be in your profile status
Featuring the place where you update us
Maybe then i'll hug you online
I heart you online

I can see from your information
you like japanese animation and stir fry
well so do I
I read the books that you love reading
I must say you're quite appealing
Maybe you can poke me sometime
I heart you online
I heart you online

Ba ba da ba ba daa
Ba ba da ba ba daaDa da da da da da

Click on my face and tell me that you love me!
You signed your message with three kisses, could be wrong but i think this is
Your way to convey
That my love is not unrequited
But i won't get too excited
Since you're only virtually mine
I heart you online

I heart you online
I heart you online

Sunset

2011-05-23T00:30:00.000+08:00

Look into the horizon, the sky is a blazing red, gradually fading away.
Yet up above, a white-patterned blue.
Clouds so close, almost within reach.
A child again, "Are they soft, like cotton candy?"
Dream-like... Almost paradise.

A phone rings.

Awaken.

I work best when I am a robot

2011-05-15T00:44:00.000+08:00

If my heart was taken away so that all emotions, feelings & self-consciousness were void, then I think I would perform tasks significantly better.

Like a robot.

Perfectionist

2011-05-05T21:20:00.001+08:00

I was randomly reading the Mind Your Body section on The Straits Times today when I spotted a mini score-it-yourself-scale on one's extent of being a perfectionist.
The average person's score is 40.
I scored a whooping ~80. Oh geez.
I mean I always knew I was, to a certain extent, a perfectionist, but now I have data to prove it!

Alright, I am frankly not sure if that's good or not. My perfectionism took the, what I like to call, "evil route". In fact, I'd say I'm here where I am today partly due to perfectionism. And it isn't a very nice place to be.

Nevertheless, I just have to find a way to handle it.

If you're interested in scoring yourself, there's a full version here. Have fun!

(According to Dr. Randy Frost in Mind Your Body,

Scores on "concern over mistakes, doubts about actions and personal standards" are more important than the overall score. Subscales of concern over mistakes and doubts about actions measure the most maladaptive aspects of perfectionism, while the personal standards subscale measures adaptive perfectionism, which can be problematic in some contexts.)

Fantasy of a perfect love

2011-05-02T22:14:00.001+08:00

I think I'm blinded by the fantasy of having a perfect love. How wonderful if it can be true. This fantasy in my head is probably why I feel so empty now.

Leaving you with Andrew Lloyd Webber's "All I Ask of You".

graph of level of enthusiasm / happiness over the week

2011-05-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

Should have added a negative axis.

Singapore General Election 2011

2011-05-02T00:18:00.001+08:00

Singapore is in the midst of its General Election 2011, and a most exciting one at that. It is my virgin vote and it is to be cast in the said "highly-contested" Aljunied GRC. I want to make sure I make an informed choice so I have listened to what the 2 parties here have to say, discussed some issues with the older generation (i.e. my father), the younger generation (i.e. my cousins and friends) and have thought through it very carefully. I have seriously been yo-yo-ing between the 2 parties but now I have finally pretty much made up my mind.

Here, however, I want to talk about a much lighter issue in this GE2011. My cousin and I were discussing the issue of why we have to use a cross to mark the party we vote for and why not just a marking of some sort.

(PLEASE DO NOT DO ANY OF THE BELOW ON YOUR TICKET ON POLLING DAY)

1) My cousin volunteered - Maybe a smiley face would be better. You know, it means, "I like this party! =)"

2) I wondered if there were people who, after putting the cross, drew smiley faces around it to show their support. Perhaps that's why some people take so long at polling stations - they found the box too boring with just a cross, so they decided to decorate it or something

3) Cousin joked that maybe some people even write a postscript "p/s: I love you!" or "p/s: Thank you, Vote Counter!" or "GO FOR IT, (party name)!"

I happen to find the idea of a smiley face in the box extremely funny and could not stop laughing for a while.

Also remember:
Putting a cross beside the party's name/logo does not mean you do not like the party.

So, on polling day 7th May 2011, please do not follow any of the above lest you spoil your vote. Just put a cross (X) beside the name of the party you would like to vote for.

Please remember, YOUR VOTE IS VERY IMPORTANT (if not to you, it is important to me), so please just draw that bloody cross properly and in the correct box.

Good songs

2011-04-25T22:18:00.001+08:00

Good songs sung by good singers are drugs.

Good songs sung by good-looking males with fantastic voices are aphrodisiacs.

Lost

2011-04-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

It is 11:07PM on Monday night. After 2 weeks of deliberation, reflection and self-damning, I finally sat down and decided to blog about how I feel.

Well, lie down on my stomach and blog, really, because my butt's becoming bigger.

That's not the point.

The point is that I don't like my job. I don't hate it, I just don't like it.

OK, so sometimes I hate it.

But sometimes I like it.

The problem is, though, that I feel like I don't belong in it. Ever since my first official day at work a year ago, I've woken up on Mondays feeling tired, excited, hopeful, happy, sad, fearful and even some sense of dread. Never before, however, have I woken up on a Monday feeling this extent of dread that I've felt today. In fact, I have not felt this sense of dread ever since my temporary job at IRAS 6 years ago. For the first time, approximately 4 weeks ago, I started "counting down to Friday" every week. That, for me, is the worst thing that can happen in a job and the biggest sign that perhaps something is not going right.

There are so many people I have to work with in my job - teachers, VP, P, parents and external agencies. Teachers come to me for solutions about their students and too often a times, I find I have no solutions for them. Though my colleagues in other schools have formed a network in order for each of us to reach out to each other, it's not near and immediate enough for me. I need more than just superficial discussion. I need somebody to discuss cases with in an in-depth manner. I need experience, a 2nd pair of eyes and a 2nd set of brains. I need somebody to pull me out of the school context and look through things with me from a clinical, 3rd party point of view. I need discussion on an entirely different level, something I try to do internally by reading and having a dialogue with myself but have miserably failed, something I have been unable to do so even with colleagues sometimes.

It is so easy to get lost in the mash-up of conversations happening in the staff room. So easy to get drawn into their concerns, complains and troubles. So easy to forget your place and yourself. So easy to withdraw and take a back seat, let things flow by.

As such, with each passing day, my belief in myself in my job decreases steadily.

And despite working with so many people, it is really so easy to get lonely.

Teachers have their own departments and fellow subject teachers to rely upon, exchange tips & woes. They have a structure to rely on. Sometimes I think it is nice to know what is the next step, what's coming up, what's the next topic. Sometimes I even think the marking they have to do is nice! Mainly because it is work which makes people feel like they are getting work done. Things seem... safe. Then again, I don't really envy their job as much as I sound like I do. But I like the sound of the structure they have, though it's a double-edged sword.

Mine, it is so varied and dependent on myself that half the time I wonder if I am doing the right thing.

The other half of the time, my lessons get cancelled because teachers forget I have a lesson with the kid and they conveniently substitute it with another lesson from which I can't take them out.

That is, even when I have reminded them 30 minutes before the lesson. Or have given them a copy of my timetable, with the child's slot highlighted for their convenience.

The most wonderful thing is, I don't think I have the right to complain. In fact, I don't even want to complain because my cases are comparatively lighter than what some of my colleagues have in their schools. So if colleagues ask how things are, what am I supposed to say? "Oh, I'm having problems. I don't know what to do with half of my cases and I have no idea if I'm anywhere in the right direction for the other half. Oh right, my number of cases is probably half yours. Or a third."

I've heard the responses, "Oh but you have so little cases! No problem!" or "Oh but you only have xxx number of cases! Why are you so stressed?!" or "Oh, new school! Easy!" enough times for me to decide there is no need to speak of my (non-existent) issues. So I smile politely, nod in agreement and kind of pack it all into a little neat package...

I'm lost in my job. I need a mentor, a partner and some exercise.

Playing with NUSSO

2011-03-14T23:48:00.001+08:00

March 13th saw me performing with the NUS Symphonic Orchestra (NUSSO) in the concert Voyage to the Orient. I started practicing with them near end of January, right through February till the concert yesterday, nearly twice every week. Putting aside travelling time, commitment issues and how I ended up playing with them, I actually enjoyed it all very, very much.

I have to admit that prior to this, I didn't think much of this orchestra. (Woohoo, alright, NUSSO members, you may smack me if you read this.) I had attended 2 of their concerts and both times I was, sadly, disappointed. Perhaps it was the pieces, or the venue, or it really boiled down to the ability of the members - I've always felt there was a missing element, a core pillar not present within the orchestra. There were too many things wrong and too many things imperfect. It felt like the orchestra's ability was not stretched. I have to say that it irked me.

Frankly, I still feel this way about the orchestra, though now I've played with them. Of course I don't really have any right to judge or criticize them, and you may stop reading if it is really making you feel unsettled.

During one of the last few rehearsals at the UCC Hall, for the first time, I had a better glimpse of how this orchestra might really be like. Never mind the errors, never mind the lack of technicality here and there, never mind the imperfections - for that few hours, I thought I tasted musicality and emotion. It is odd and I may be wrong, but at that point in time, I felt like I truly understood what it means to play "music" - a flow of feelings, sounds and images, not just notes anymore. It might be because of the piece and the acoustics of the hall, but somehow the orchestra was a little more solid. For that piece, at least, I think we've managed to literally put the piece right into the laps of the audience. The pillar still isn't fully erected, but I can actually see the semblance of it and sense it.

Although I (also) have gripes about the conductor, it felt really nice performing under his baton - a warm, safe and happy feeling - a bit like returning home.

Not to mention the percussionists were wonderful people, very fun to play and chat with. It actually reminded me of what it was like playing with the band in Secondary school. A true taste of nostalgia. Although I had to spend a lot of time counting rests, it was an experience playing in an orchestra, one I enjoyed very much and which rekindled my interest in percussion (and music, in general).

Thank you, NUSSO, I truly appreciate the experience.

2011-03-07T00:28:00.000+08:00

Oh goodness! I realized I have not updated my blog for at least 2 months! Frankly, I have no idea what to write. It is 12.17am, I have work tomorrow and I don't really feel like sleeping.

I don't feel like going to work either.

OK, really need to sleep. Good night!

Beautiful

2011-01-03T21:16:00.000+08:00

Most of you would probably stare at this and go "EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" complete with the capital letters and exclamation marks, but it is one of my favourite yaoi pictures:

It is so beautiful I get a heartache everytime I look at it, which makes me want to look at it more.
Aww, come on now! Admit it's a beautiful picture!

This is why my mom says I'm a pervert -_-'''

My job. A prison.

2011-01-03T00:46:00.002+08:00

My job, for me, is like a prison. I sell my soul for the basic necessities. It doesn't seem too bad when you're in there. You work, and in return you get food, shelter and clothes to wear. You have people to talk to. Sometimes you suffer a little. Time passes.

Yet when I step out of office, the sense of oppression and dread I hadn't felt when in that place suddenly falls upon me. It is as though being physically away from the place helps in bringing you to a third person's point of view.

The pressure is stifling, like in a pressure cooker. An overwhelming sense of being trapped, even finding it difficult to breathe. Tears feeling like it is ready to simply burst out but trapped in my chest.

Why? I wonder. Why this feeling?

Is it because of my ego, so I can't take criticism at work, causing this? Inexperience, thus time needed to adjust to the presence of a job? Ill job fit? Which is it?

"Time to move on then?" my friend asked.

To where? Doing what?

If this point in my life is a canvas, it would be colours melting off into nothing.

Back to prison.

Crossing over to 2011

2011-01-02T12:25:00.001+08:00

The new year saw me crossing over while at a bazaar organized by FleaEscape at *SCAPE Art + Market Street with Pearlin, manning a stall, with the worst crowd I've basically ever seen, the worst sales and organizing glitches. At the end of the thing I decided never to go under a bazaar with them again. Sorry, they were nice people but the crowd was nearly non-existent.

I was deprived of sleep, totally exhausted from pre-bazaar preparations and in a very bad mood. Luckily I had accumulated enough experience at self-control to not blow up at every single thing. Thank goodness for age.

Then I came home to the 2 most wonderful New Year's gifts:

2 adorable terrapins, one male and one female. I've been waiting for this day for such a long time! They have nice, hard shells so they are definitely healthy. But one of them apparently keeps flipping itself over while crawling so I'm a little worried about that.
I greeted them by lifting each of them up in the air and saying "hi" to them. They greeted me back by wildly swimming in the air. Such warm greetings.

Then I spent the next 12 hours in bed on New Year's day, right up until 4pm, after which I had to wake up because we were celebrating my aunt's birthday at a restaurant. Finally met baby Jervelle again (cousin's daughter) with her initially-shy-later-wild character, hi-5s and fantastic love of sharing her food with everybody.

That ends my New Year's day.

2011 resolutions

2011-01-02T11:54:00.000+08:00

A little late, but nevertheless here's wishing all a

Happy, Healthy and Fulfilling 2011!

Happy New Year!

At the beginning of last year (how odd it is to refer to 2010 as "last year"), I made 3 rather huge resolutions:

2010's resolutions:

1) I resolve, again, to not get laid. I reckon it's the one resolution I'm most likely to keep.

2) I resolve to play the piano again.

3) I resolve to grow stronger psychologically.

Resolution #1 was actually made from 2009, and presto, I sure kept to it!

Resolution #2: I didn't play the piano yet again in 2010.

Resolution #3: I think I did grow some, gaining experience in work and making new discoveries about myself, family and friends.

Alright, let's make some resolutions for 2011.

2011's resolutions:

1) Healthier lifestyle - sleeping earlier, exercising regularly. Basically means better time management, really.

2) Make up my mind what I want to seriously embark on & start researching - Education Psychology? Clinical-areas? Music? Others?

3) Earn more money. I actually have a long-term goal I want to achieve. I want to travel to Japan. My pay really forbids me to do so, not to mention I still have a debt to my mother I need to repay.

4) Continue growing mentally and emotionally.

That is all. Not getting laid is too easy to resolve to do in 2011 so it's not in there =P

What are your resolutions?

A very honest question

2010-12-26T03:48:00.000+08:00

A friend who has just ended a 5-year relationship asked me a question,
"You don't have a boyfriend. Aren't you scared of remaining single all your life?"

It was the most honest question I've ever received. Nothing along the lines of "I'm sure you'll find somebody soon," or "When it's the right time, you will find him," or "What if you find somebody only when you're much older?"
This is a true question at the back of everybody's mind. Trust her to have asked it so simply! =)

Of course I'm scared. I think I'm probably more scared than I let on.
I'm scared I don't find love, I don't have the chance to ever hold somebody's hand, to be told "I love you", to make love, to get married, to have babies. I'm scared I might get too old to have children, I'm scared if I have children when I'm too old, they will have special needs or something. I'm scared I will have to resort to buying a flat under the singles scheme.
Isn't this why I'm always so desperate for somebody? 24 is not young, I'm getting older and that by itself is scary.
(Oh, come on, don't tell me 24 years old is young. Unless you are considering a shot-gun marriage, you think we don't need time to find somebody, date, maybe break-up and find somebody else, date again, quarrel and all that shit is it? Use your brain and think can or not?)

After a while you get used to singlehood and the constant searching and yearning. When you have been single for 24 years of your life, there really isn't much to "get used to" really. After all, there's nothing I can do if there really is nobody there. You continue with your life, you plan your future and well... you wait. Sometimes. You don't consciously remember that you're scared, but you just feel a sense of desperation, of wanting and yearning for somebody. And you manage that, sometimes along with a little bit of sadness. That's about it. Basically when the fear is broken up into daily pieces, you don't notice it that much, until of course somebody comes and asks you if you are scared. Somebody like my friend =P

I don't know if couples will ever understand this fear or how I feel. It is very easy to tell another person "You will find somebody," but how do you know? How come you know but I don't know? Do you have some magic crystal ball? Can you see into the future? Or is it some wisdom bestowed only upon couples? If that is so, do you think you can look into your crystal ball and tell me how to earn more money?

Is it because you were wooed by many men, so you think it is easy? I was almost never the main dish for somebody, only often the side dish. Even when I was the main dish, it was a main dish easily or purposefully forgotten.
Romantically involved? Nearly never.

So if you're scared, it's OK, because I'm scared shit loads too, lady.

Loving (that part of) him

2010-12-26T02:58:00.001+08:00

I don't even remember the content of that particular conversation. It was something about performing in a small pub-like setting and something about fine arts.
I only remember the colour, the ecstasy, the rush of affection, the sudden sharpness of my friend's words and the images he were painting with them. I was suddenly aware of a single line of words appearing in my mind - I love this part of him. And I do.
When he spoke of it, I had an urge to hug him affectionately and tell him I love this part of him, but I don't because it is not respectful. Instead, I shook his hand.

No, I don't love him romantically, not even one bit. This is different.
I want to bask in his art, take it and hold it in my palms, turn it over, examine it, swallow it all if possible.

He was articulating my dream. He had simply reached into me, pulled it out and told it in his own words.

I am amazed at how similar people can be. At how many people I've met who were like me in some ways. In that split second, it all makes sense. This is it, I thought triumphantly, this is how loving a part of somebody without romance is like. This is what I have always been feeling! This isn't romance, I don't have to feel guilty about it and I can love as many people as I want in this way. I want to always love people in this way.

Boyfriend-related conversations

2010-12-25T02:07:00.000+08:00

Had a conversation with my sister.

"I'm going out with my boyfriend," I said casually.
She looked at me for a moment, tossed her hair and starting laughing. "Don't bluff!" she managed to squeeze out between her laughs.

Brutally honest.
_______________________________

My mom, sister and I were having dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Between mouthfuls of sushi, I leaned over and whispered to my mother, "You see those two chefs over there?"
"Uh huh," my mother replied.
"One of them accidentally touched the back of the other while reaching for a bowl. I think that it's very sexy."
My mom pauses and looks at me. "Oh my god, you're perverted!" She declares very matter-of-factly.
"What?! No! I'm not perverted! I just think that guys together are very sexy!"
"My daughter is 24 years old, with no boyfriend and thinks that guys together are sexy!"
"Yeah, well, different people just have different tastes...." I tried explaining.
"When I was your age, I was already married! I had you when I was 26, your brother when I was 29!"

I just stuffed sushi into my mouth.
We ate $24 worth of sushi, and the cashier was a very good-looking man.

Falling asleep

2010-12-22T20:50:00.003+08:00

Meeting Inkscape for the first time

2010-12-18T02:38:00.001+08:00

Oh yar, that's me clicking away.

U-like (blender-cum-juicer)

2010-12-16T17:30:00.001+08:00

Chanced upon this juicer-cum-blender called U-like, during a walk in Isetan (Nex, Serangoon) just recently. If you googled it, you would find mothers use it for various purposes - chopping up spices such as garlic, making puree and juices for babies, blending food and vegetables etc. And they like it. I was totally sold when the demonstrator was showing it to us and it didn't help that I was looking for a juicer/blender then.

The entire set of U-like consists of the main machine, 2 small transparent containers, 2 large transparent containers, 2 types of blades, and a juice compartment.

(photo courtesy of littlegastronomy)

(photo courtesy of Noob Cook)

According to the demonstrator, the entire set costs $120+, but with promotion it's only $69, including the juicer thrown in for free. I believe the usual set consists of only 1 small transparent container, 2 types of blades and the main machine. You'd have to get the juicer and the rest of the containers separately.

Simple to set up, simple to dismantle, easy to clean and many uses. Oh it's also fun to use! After fixing it up, simply push the container downwards into the machine to activate the switch and start blending. Turn it clockwise a little and release your hold to continue the blending without holding on to it. Relatively safe for young children who likes to push buttons (no buttons to push here! =P).

I've only gotten it for 2 days so we have not used it for chopping up garnishes, spices or the likes. What we have done, is used it to make milkshakes at least 4 times, juices twice and mocha (tried to, at least) once. Based on this, I'd like to give you a little review and perhaps some tips.

Juicer
Juicer container can be taken apart as shown in the picture:

To make juice using U-like, you have to use the juicer container, especially if you do not want the pulp. If you'd like pulp to be included (although I do not understand why would anybody want that), you may either use the normal container which comes with the machine, or if you already have the juicer container, remove the filter in the center and use that instead, in order to hold more juice.
Trust me, make your juice without the pulp. Take it from someone who tried making juice without the filter. Use the filter, it's there for a reason.

Slice your fruits or cut it into chunks. Not too big! The blades are still quite small and work best with smaller items. Put some water into the area outside the filter, put your sliced up fruits into the center of the filter, cover and switch on the machine. Juice from the fruit mix with the water to create fruit juice. Do note you have to put water into the container or there will not be any juice.

What I like about it:

The juice created tastes nice.
Pulp/puree is beautifully filtered so that no pulp leaks into the juice.
It is fast and easy to use.
Most wonderfully, it is relatively easy to wash - I still use soap and sponge to wash the parts but there is no need for scrubbing of the filter to get the pulp out (thank goodness!). Just a simple rinse and all the pulp is drained away.

What I don't like about it:

I personally feel is it is more suitable as a blender rather than a juicer.

U-like does not fully extract the juice from the fruit like my previous juicer. It doesn't squeeze the fruit against the blade such that a majority of the juice is extracted.
I feel that the amount of juice is creates is a little lesser as compared to my previous juicer.
I don't like that I have to put water inside the juicer in order for the juice to "materialize". To me, it's diluting pure fruit juice.

Do note I'm comparing it to my previous juicer though, so it might not be a fantastic comparison. But it's something to note if you're looking to buy U-like as a juicer and you're wondering about its functioning.

Blender
Blends ice cubes nicely. Try to use a small container because it is easier to get the cubes within reach of the blades. Shake the entire machine a little so that ice pieces which have been thrown upwards to the top of the container can be brought down to meet the blades again. Don't worry, the machine is sturdy and can sustain the force.
On a side note, do treat it nicely though! It will still break if you abuse it!

It's not 100% perfect but it's a good, simple & sturdy piece of machinery. I am liking it so far simply because it is EASY TO USE and EASY TO CLEAN! Major, major plus point! I am so tired of having to scrub the pulp out of my old juicer like mad after using it every time. Even my younger siblings like using U-like to make milkshakes and different flavoured ice-cream. Do be careful about the blades when handling though!
Oh it is partially water-proof too! Plus it is small and easy to store.

A review about a blender-cum-juicer.... I have officially graduated into auntie-hood.

whine whine whine

2010-12-15T21:22:00.000+08:00

I should be a witch!
Then I'd be able to cast spells!

And maybe my life won't be so boring. OH HECK! WHAT AM I DOING?! I NEED TO MAKE MY LIFE MORE EXCITING! OOSH!

Right now is so not me...

Blogging

2010-12-13T10:17:00.000+08:00

I was reading my blog when I realized that:

1) I am not writing as frequently as before
2) Content has changed in an undesired way
3) I miss writing
4) I like reading what I wrote

So just 5 seconds ago, I told myself, "I will blog more often again."
Then I started having this weird sensation like having butterflies, goosebumps, nervousness, excitedness, that wanting-to-shit-feeling, beginning in my stomach and spreading throughout my body. Wow, never knew I feel this much about blogging.

OK, fine, I admit, part of it is just because I really need to shit.

The Bad Service and The Good Service

2010-12-12T23:34:00.001+08:00

Couple of days ago, I got my mind set on getting a Vibram FiveFingers. For those who do not know, the Vibram FFs are basically minimalist shoes, like gloves on your feet with rubber soles plastered on. They look like this:

And yes, they look weird.

But that's not the point of the post. The point is that I had my mind set on getting a pair of Vibram FFs and was checking out the various stores. One of those I went to was Feder Sports at Peninsula Plaza. Following advice from a friend, there were 2 types of FFs between which I was undecided. As it was a pair of very expensive feet gloves (~$200 range), I wanted to be sure to pick the right type and right size, so naturally I visited the shop with the intention of trying on both types.

At Feder Sports, I looked at the shoes on display and asked to try size 36 of shoe type 1. The size was in the store, so the lady nicely went to open the store and retrieved size 36 for me. I tried it on but it simply didn't feel right - a little too tight, I thought aloud. Thinking they knew a little bit more about the shoes and measurement of the feet for them, I asked her if she thinks it is the right size for me and if there's a way to measure my feet size. I had expected her to help me measure my feet. Instead, she said politely, "Your feet are 36 lah."

"OK, so maybe I was asking for too much. I'm sure she knows her stuff," I thought.

"I see... Could I try on the Bikila (the 2nd type of shoes) in size 36 then?" I ventured.

She took a Bikila in a different size and told me, nicely, to try on "for the feel first. Size 36 is in the store." I raised my eyebrow inwardly. I had a nagging feeling Vibram FFs are not meant to be "tried on for the feel" but I did as she suggested. Who am I to say that it doesn't work this way anyway?

"Hmm... I don't know..." I said after trying it on. "OK, I'll try size 36 then..." I said softly and hesitatingly. Hesitatingly because I could sense some unwillingness from her, also because I know she needed to go back to the store and I did not want to trouble her.

Perhaps I was too soft in volume, or perhaps my tone of voice was incorrect, but she did not follow my request. She merely put the shoe back on the shelf and tended to other things while I stood dumbly in the little, crowded shop.

After a while I asked, "Uh, are you going to take size 36 for me?"

"It's in the store leh. I will go and take it out only if you want it. It takes about 15 minutes to get it," she replied nicely.

"Oh." I raised my eyebrow slightly, bewildered. "Never mind then, thanks." And I left the shop promptly with no intention of buying from them.

They weren't deliberately rude. In fact, the boss was kind and the lady was polite. Somehow though, the service and attitude just did not sit well with me. Wearing the FFs in that shop just did not feel right and I soon found out why when I visited Red Wing Shoes at Suntec City Mall.

The moment I was at Red Wing Shoes, the man asked if I knew my shoe size for the FFs. I told him I think it's size 36, based on my own measurement at home. He immediately sat me down and measured my feet for me - I turned out to be a size 37. No wonder wearing the FFs at the previous shop just did not feel right! At this point I had already decided I would definitely buy a pair from the shop.

I asked for the 2 types of shoes to try, this time stating clearly beforehand that I wanted to try both types. He immediately asked me what is my purpose of buying the shoes. Was it for running on flat ground or rough terrains etc.? I swear I wanted to hug him! Finally, here was somebody whom I could ask questions about the FFs and at least get a decent response!

Needless to say, I bought the shoes from them. Service which was worth the price! Thank you, staff of Red Wing Shoes at Suntec City Mall! Both the man and the young lady! You two totally made my day!

Delilah / White Lady

2010-10-24T22:54:00.000+08:00

After 2 failed Martinis, 1 very-much-failed Cinderella and another almost-there-heavily-modified-version of the Screwdriver, I finally made a successful "Delilah", also known as "White Lady".

Technically the ratios of ingredients in the first Martini I made actually qualified it for the drink named "50:50", a variation of the traditional Martini, so it was not exactly "failed". However the taste suited none in my family so it was considered a fail.

This Delilah was different. Except for my father who felt there was too much lemon juice and my sister who is too young to drink, everyone of us felt that it was a rather nice drink.

So here it is! Documented! Let it be known that the first real successful cocktail I made is Delilah!

I bet this is the reason!

2010-10-24T18:11:00.000+08:00

I think the reason I am incredibly bad at motor coordination (thus relating to things like dancing, playing piano/instruments) is that my muscle memory is not good. Instead, I am actively cognitively directing every one of my movements.

I bet this is the reason!

Here you have it

2010-10-23T16:06:00.002+08:00

A colleague, upon hearing my pay, mentioned it was very brave of me to have accepted this job even though I was, technically, over-qualified for it.

I confessed to her that it was not the presence of courage which allowed me to accept the job, but rather a lack of courage and confidence in myself to have accepted a job more suited for my qualifications.

That is nothing but the truth and the whole truth.

My mole and yours

2010-10-04T22:36:00.000+08:00

sister: What is "X-factor"
me: Something which sets you apart from others. For example, my X-factor is my mole. (ok, I know it's not very accurate.)
sister: Look, I have a mole too! (pointing to her upper lip)
me: ....
me: So small. Mine is bigger.

Happy 24th birthday

2010-09-30T21:22:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to me!

As usual

2010-09-30T21:21:00.001+08:00

To get to the future, only the present matters

2010-09-20T00:08:00.000+08:00

Everything is a process. It is a lot harder than we think it is, when we first start out, tempted by how juicy and wonderful the fruit of our labour looks at the end.

"Oh, I'll get there in no time!" I thought.

It did not turn out that way. There were many stumbling blocks along the way. Then I started realizing the road there is not smooth and is never going to be smooth. The potholes in the road were covered by a fog or leaves, and I only knew of their existence when I stepped into one of them. And that, I did constantly.

There is no point lusting over the sweet fruit at the end when your eyes are not on the road immediately in front of you. The journey does not allow you to walk leisurely at your own pace - it makes you climb, crawl, run and fall incessantly. You will mostly likely not teleport over either, though there were many a times I sincerely wished I could have done so.

In short, to get to the future, only the present matters.
Remember, keep an eye on the goal, but always watch the road in front of you.

A very special person

2010-09-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

A Softer World

2010-09-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

I was going to figure out this postage, and send you my heart for Christmas. But my friends talked me out of it. They said, "Why would you send her something broken?"

- A Softer World

Story of how a girl never got to bathe

2010-09-09T00:56:00.001+08:00

panicky father

2010-08-25T23:16:00.000+08:00

Conversation with father:

Me: ... It's OK, I don't need to get married, OK? At 36 years old I will apply for a flat.
Father: It is the basic thing for everyone to get married. If not, you will be a very unhappy and bitter woman.
Me: It's OK, I have a sponsored child in Lesotho. Oh, I could go for artificial insemination!
Father: It is essential to experience the feeling of love. Once you have experienced it, you will think "oh it is so beautiful!" You need love to be able to live life to the fullest!
Me: (pointedly) You two aren't exactly in love & you're living life well.
Father: .... Well I used to be in love!
Me: -_-'''

Piano played by feet

2010-08-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

Very inspiring. I like the 2 lines he said, "I think in my life, I only have 2 paths. Either I die quickly, or I live my life splendidly."
Hope it inspired you as well.

So many mountains

2010-08-10T23:26:00.000+08:00

Slowness and incompetency

2010-08-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

I cannot stand slowness and incompetency, yet I feel that I am exhibiting both characteristics. Don't know how my VP can put up with me! OK, I promise from now on I'll try my best to be none of these. Require full concentration to give my best.

Side note: The expression on my face when I'm concentrating or serious is really different from the smiling face I usually put on when meeting people. Geez, stop being in third-party mode, tstar!

Work-related

2010-07-29T20:35:00.000+08:00

So proud of my student today. He was packing his bag at the day end and had placed a book in upside down. He corrected himself by switching it right side up. Plus placing his pencil case and other stuff in the small pocket. Hope teaching him the skill of organization helps him to find and do his things faster.

Just that day, I found him sitting on his chair when the rest of the class was on the floor during Mother Tongue. The moment I walked in, he took one look at me, stood up with his textbook and joined his classmates. It amused me.

Consistent behaviour from me is good because now when he sees me, he knows I'm expecting a certain standard of behaviour from him. At least I'm making some headway, even if it's just a little bit.

When I use the time-timer with him that day, he told me "I like the clock." On the other hand, I sometimes want to laugh because when he sees that he does not have enough time after idling for a while, he will start doing his work very fast and saying aloud that he does not have enough time while looking at me or the teacher.

Another student of mine now happily and automatically comes up to me during recess even when I'm not standing near him, just to say hi and have me see him. He's also starting to be more willing to talk about family matters. It's about time to go into that area with him.

Student no.3 commented to me today (or was it yesterday) - "You didn't come today."

Good beginning! Drive on, steph!

Quarrels

2010-07-25T22:24:00.001+08:00

Hate quarrels. Use to try to be the mediator in quarrels but now I just feel so helpless. Have started to ignore and pretend nothing is happening. Surf my internet, do my work and keep quiet. Raises my blood pressure just listening and knowing a quarrel is going on. Stressed.

Every time there is a quarrel, I feel like moving out of the house, slamming the door, doing something violent, scream and shout, hurt myself, throw something somewhere/at someone. The violence I can unleash is scary to me. Don't underestimate my anger.

Need to remember to breathe.

Absolutely Everybody - Vanessa Amorosi

2010-07-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody

Everybody needs a little loving,
Everybody needs somebody thinking of them.
Everybody needs a little respect,
And whatever it takes,
I’m gonna get it.

Everybody needs a hand to hold,
Someone to cling to
When the nights are getting cold.
I’m no different,
I am just the same,
A player in the game.

Absolutely everybody,
Everybody, everybody.
Absolutely everybody in the whole wide world
Absolutely everybody
Every boy and every girl .
Absolutely everybody.

Everybody needs a human touch.
I can’t live without it,
It means too much to me.
Everybody needs one true friend,
Someone who’ll be there ‘til the very end.

And absolutely everybody breathe,
And everybody, everybody bleed.
We’re no different,
We’re all the same,
A player in the game.

Absolutely, everybody,
Everybody, everybody.
Absolutely everybody
In the whole wide world.
Everybody breathes,
And everybody needs.
Absolutely everybody.

Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody

Every boy and girl,
Every woman and child.
Every father and son.
I said now everyone,
Yes now everyone.

Everybody needs a human touch.
Everybody, everybody needs love.
Im no different,
I am just the same.
A player in the game.

Absolutely, everybody,
Everybody, everybody.
Absolutely everybody
In the whole wide world.
Everybody breathes,
And everybody needs.
Absolutely everybody.
Absolutely everybody

Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody
Absolutely everybody

Thoughts at bullet train speed

2010-07-15T22:56:00.001+08:00

Wanted to write a post but thoughts are flying through my mind at bullet train speed. Thoughts which include things like:

1) my hair is dirty
2) I need to sleep
3) I like teaching children with special needs
4) I suck at teaching them
5) my kid is so cute today
6) argh, lesson tomorrow
7) I need to brush teeth and sleep
8) argh, office is match-making this guy and me together. So gross. I'm not even slightly interested in him (or anyone). It really really scares me so badly I don't even feel like talking to him.
9) I need to read Book 9 of The Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. Trying to find it now.
10) My school's kids are really talented

Good night.

Random sentence

2010-07-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

How come there are people who are achieving so much and also enjoying life at the same time?

Argh. Frustrating.

All I know now is I desperately need sleep. Signs of aging. Good night.

I'm all wet

2010-07-04T01:12:00.002+08:00

I'm still stuck on the "I'm all wet" conversation.

Weird work day

2010-06-28T18:58:00.002+08:00

Today is a weird day. Work went something like this:

1) Apprehension. Dread.
2) Neutrality. Doubt.
3) Happiness. Ego boost.
4) Brought back to earth.

I also bought a book titled something like "If it's Heartbreak, it can be healed". Oh man, never thought I'd need to ever read this one day.

Testing waters

2010-06-27T15:32:00.000+08:00

That day I tested waters with my parents.

me: What if I don't date men? What if I date girls?
mum: Huh?
me: What if one day I bring a girl home and say "This is my girlfriend."
mum: Huh... Don't want lah, not good leh.
me: What if lah. How?
mum: Huh... You like girls meh?
me: What if lah! Cannot meh?
mum: Huh...

Comparatively, all my father said was, "eeeeee". I think my mom will be the one who will not be able to take it, as compared to my father.

Twitter Spelling test!

2010-06-26T21:28:00.000+08:00

A fun spelling game! Apparently designed to find out if you have been affected by the usage of many short-forms and fantastic exposure to (too many) spelling mistakes through technology (or specifically, twitter). However, thought that it covered more of common word errors which would have arisen even without technology. Nevertheless, it is fun! See how you score and keep check of your English!

Created by Oatmeal

Got it off Arzhou's blog.

NIE Investiture

2010-06-21T17:42:00.001+08:00

NIE Investiture discussion:

me: Not sure whether to go. Feel like giving it a miss because if I go, I still need to pay for the rental of the gown. Kinda wish I bought my gown at my degree Convocation.
SK: No, it would be of a different colour.
me: No, the basic gown is the same blue, only the bonnet is a different colour.
SK: Yar, the bonnet is of a different colour!
me: Yar, then maybe it will be cheaper to rent just the bonnet.
SK: -_-'''
me: Oh hey, apparently the gown is a different design! Ok! I've decided to go for the investiture! (and spend $24 on gown rental. ****) Need to take picture with a gown of different design!
SK: Huh?! You can go for this reason?!
me: hehe.

I like her

2010-06-21T01:43:00.000+08:00

Attended my colleague's wedding.

It was there that I saw her, an utterly adorable young lady - one of the 2 singers of a 5-piece live band on stage. The moment I set eyes on her, a smile crept onto my lips, my heart skipped a beat. Oh when she started singing, it felt like I was in love!

Small sized, short hair, casual-chic outfit, brilliant smile and a fantastic voice. She's lovely. What's her name? Who is she? Is she taken?

I like her.

But they say must make friends!

2010-06-18T00:26:00.002+08:00

Brother: eh, last time when you go uni (university) got go for orientation camps or not?
me: no. I never go for anything. Go good lah, make more friends.
Brother: My faculty camp is now on leh! I accepted offer late and they never send me anything.
me: Never mind one lah, some people also never go for anything.
Brother: But they say "must go" leh and "make more friends"
me: *sputters & laughs* Then if I tell you to go and make friend with some random person, you will go ah?!
Brother: *grins sheepishly*

(btw, he has already signed up for sports camp. Yar, he's athletic, unlike me, the bookworm/stay-at-home person.)

Good that he joined a camp though. It's always good to know more people.

2010-06-12T18:13:00.000+08:00

I turn 24 years old in 3 months & 18 days.
I have no well-paying job to speak of, no boyfriend, no suitors, hardly any social life, no car and no savings of my own.

On the bright side, I have a roof over my head, parents, siblings, a university education, computer, internet, food, water, clothing, shoes and a job (though a low-paying one, which hopefully will create a big opportunity for me in the near future). Oh I also have a collection of books, a bed to read my books on and membership in my secondary school alumni band. I also have a few pretty amazing friends (although their progress in life makes me feel lousy by comparison, BUT they're still good friends! Haha!)

I also happen to be ~~very~~ stubborn, ~~very~~ egoistic and ~~too~~ sensitive all at once.

Yar, this is so blatantly an advertisement.
So does anybody wants to date this girl or not?

I feel like a billboard advertisement with arrows framed by neon lightings pointing at me, saying "DATE ME! DATE ME!"
Only that the neon lights are not working. Yar, that's basically how I feel.

OK, off to Penang.

See me

2010-06-01T00:28:00.001+08:00

I want you to see me.

I want you to see me with my strengths.
I want you to see me when I'm confident. I want you to see me when I'm articulate. I want you to see me when I am smart, capable, achieving, when it seems like I stand above the rest. I want you to see me when I'm kind, when I'm loving. When I'm right, when my ideas are great, when I am complimented. I want you to see me when I am standing up, when I'm standing up after a fall and when I'm trying hard to stand up after a fall.

I don't want you to see my weaknesses.
Don't see me when I'm depressed or when I'm making mistakes. Don't see me when I'm egoistic, hypocritical, back-stabbing. Don't see me when I cringe, cry and crawl under my bed covers. Don't see me when I shout, scream in anger. Don't see me when I curse or when I'm a blabbering idiot. Don't see me when I fail, fail to get up after I've failed and stay down after I have failed. Don't see the scars in my heart. Don't see me when I refuse a challenge, look down on myself. Don't see me do this.

I don't want you to see it, but this is me, so see me. See me in all my strengths and weaknesses. See me when I laugh, cry, love, hate, hug, hate, succeed and fail. See everything of me....

Because it is so difficult to see myself.

I WILL RUN AWAY!

2010-05-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

Sis: I will wake up early tomorrow at 5am and run away from home!
Me: Can you even wake up?
Sis: I will set alarm clock!
Me: Yar, then everybody will wake up too.
Sis: Mummy will say "Olivia! Wake up!" and then go back to sleep.
Me: Then you will say, "Mmm... A while more" and go back to sleep. And by the time you wake up, everybody will be gone.
Me: .... ....
Me: What a good idea.

-----------------------------
Me: You won't have enough money.
Sis: I will call and ask papa for money. I will stay in a hotel...
Me: Hotel!
Sis: .... Hostel... University hostel.
Me: Very expensive too! You think it is very cheap?
Sis: Yar, very cheap!
Me: $1,000 per month leh! (exaggerating)
Sis: Yar, very cheap what!
Me: .... ....

Dinosaurs!

2010-05-28T23:48:00.000+08:00

As I was watching King Kong on TV and watching these long-necked herbivorous dinosaurs, whose names I have no idea, running and accidentally trampling on men, all that I thought of was:

They are beautiful!

Verbally repeated 3 times.

How to...

2010-05-26T18:03:00.001+08:00

Scratch head

2010-05-16T02:28:00.000+08:00

OK! I would officially like to meet some boys! That would mean I need to go out...

So, how do I go out and meet people? Where do I go? How do I meet people?

Plus the thought of needing to leave the comfort of my home and meet people all over again is.... a little bit daunting and tiring.

Maybe I should just curl up in bed with a book.

Sigh.

Letter

2010-05-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

Dear Person-From-Germany-Who-Reads-My-Blog,

It's great to know there is somebody in Germany who reads my blog.

It is even better if I know who that person is.

I only know ONE friend who is in Germany but DOES HE KNOW MY BLOG?

Oh shit, my memory is failing me.

OK NOW, PERSON-FROM-GERMANY-WHO-READS-MY-BLOG! OWN UP! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

Well, actually, technically I don't. But OWN UP ANYWAY TO STOP ME FROM SPENDING THE NEXT 24 HOURS WONDERING WHO YOU ARE.

Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
tstar

Yeah right

2010-05-05T21:22:00.000+08:00

Hendri and I in a MSN conversation:

me: What are you doing?
Hendri: Preparing for flight
me: Oooh! So handsome!
Hendri: I was thinking of that too! Knew that you'd agree.
me: -_-'''

Random Secondary School couple cuddling

2010-05-04T22:44:00.001+08:00

The to-do list

2010-05-04T20:51:00.005+08:00

*edited for the 2nd time*

Can you tell what is wrong? (great-big-fantastic-if-you-don't-get-it-I-dunno-what-to-do hint: I'M SINGLE).

Bleah

2010-04-25T15:07:00.002+08:00

Blue sky, brown sand

2010-04-05T17:55:00.000+08:00

My dream is to be able to walk along the stretch of short-cut between Central Library and Science Faculty again, then sit at the Spinelli (if it is still there) at University Hall (I think it's called that) and watch people pass by. On my own.

It's actually something that is easily accomplished.

If I can actually vomit out the time to do it.

Weird. The more lonely I feel, the more I want to be alone.

My hamsters and I

2010-04-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

summary

2010-04-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

It is so easy to get caught up with work and life that we forget to live. It is a nice day out with friends, just walking around, shopping and chilling. Though I do wish the nagging feeling of undone work would just disappear.

Give me a bit of time to bathe. My stinky feet are disturbing my thought process.

After-effects

2010-04-02T19:16:00.001+08:00

Taken aback & surprised.

Pertaining to something, the process is OK, but the after-effects of guilt and loneliness are far too familiar and I hate it. Hate it to the core. And here I was, thinking I was long over feeling stuff like these.

No more, ok. I don't want to curl up in a ball in a corner of the room and shrivel up. There are too many things in the world, still waiting for me to enjoy.

Too lonely to think about

2010-03-28T18:26:00.000+08:00

You know it's really time for you to get a boyfriend when at the age of 23 and mentally planning your life, you suddenly realize you no longer plan for marriage.
You also know it's really time because you start seriously thinking about dating women.

Either that or you are already accustomed to how things have been.

Well, I'd better be accustomed because instinct tells me I won't find anybody for at least a good 5 years or so. It gets too lonely to think about.

B&J Free Cone Day 2010

2010-03-22T22:43:00.000+08:00

In case you do not yet know, tomorrow is Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day 2010!

Information from Singapore's B&J website. Please note it ends at 7pm for Singapore, not 8pm. Check out the website here for more details.

Participating Outlets (12pm to 7pm):
VivoCity, The Cathay, Orchard Central, United Square, Great World City, Singapore Zoo, Jurong Bird Park

Note: Ben & Jerry's at Jurong Bird Park & Singapore Zoo finish at 5pm.

Now, let me see. The nearest one for me is at The Cathay. Everybody, please keep away from there in order to aid me in the redemption of my cone. Thank you.

Tired

2010-03-21T00:14:00.001+08:00

Being around Secondary and Primary school kids is tiring. It made me realize how energy is literally drained out of you when you're older.

Things like:

Laughing over nothing
Giving spontaneous hugs
Knocking into your friend and then find it the funniest thing in the world
Spending time on the phone talking about nothing in particular
Cracking jokes

and many other things kids and teenagers do, I now find it so tiring and so pointless. I'm really considered old now (but not necessarily wiser) simply because I feel old.

Most of all, (and oh boy do I hate this statement) I feel like I'm one of those adults who sit around during parties, watching TV and talking about the weather. Not exactly that grown up yet, but physically more or less already there.

Oh boy. I'm old. I don't believe it.

Signs

2010-03-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

I feel nauseous, I want to puke at the thought of meat and I want to eat sour plums.

No, I'm not pregnant.

Is this the first step to being vegetarian?

Missing NUS

2010-02-25T21:26:00.001+08:00

I miss my NUS days, although I was fighting one of the most terrible internal turmoils of my life at that time.

All because I needed to send my friend an essay and had to open my NUS folder.

This song.

2010-02-20T19:51:00.000+08:00

Listening to radio. Let me describe.

Sounds like Japanese anime music. Tiny voice, light. Two voices, together, almost apart.

It tip-toes across.

I like.

Psychological, Physiologically

2010-02-17T01:52:00.000+08:00

It is weird to experience heartache on the first day of CNY.

It is even weirder to suddenly realize, while having the heartache, that this pain is actually physically felt at the chest area.

So while a part of me was dwelling over the emotional pain, the other part of me was utterly fascinated by how it felt physically, so much so that I had a hand over my heart and pressing the muscles (and rib-cage) above it.

And then I continued my daily activities with a devotion.

Facing it head on

2010-02-15T01:41:00.000+08:00

From Nodame Cantabile Finale,

How can you join Concours when you can't even face the piece of music in front of you?

GPS

2010-02-14T03:46:00.002+08:00

Brother was driving. Our Global Positioning System (GPS) was set for the temple, from home.

GPS: "Go straight 300m and turn left."
Father: Just go straight.

We go past the turn.

GPS: "Go straight 200m and turn left"
Father: Don't bother about it, just go straight.
Me: Eh, I think the GPS must think you all very stupid. Keep telling you to turn left but you all keep going straight.

We reach destination without heeding the GPS's advice at all.

Father: Poor GPS.

Sidenote: I named the GPS "Anne".

CNY 2010

2010-02-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

Wishing all a

Happy Lunar New Year!

That corn, my sis & I

2010-01-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

Remember the incident about the corn, my sis and I?

The plants are thirsty

2010-01-28T18:15:00.000+08:00

My phone rings.

Me: Hello?
Mum: Hello, Jing ah, can you ask the maid to water the plants near the lift later on? I walked past them and they're so dry, poor things, must be very thirsty, poor things you know.

Just be yourself

2010-01-26T22:53:00.001+08:00

As I stand there, getting a sniff of how the real world is and feeling a flood of fear and uncertainty ride over me, a little voice inside of me said,

You don't have to worry about taking on the world, or of failing. You just have to be yourself.

R