I can't decide. When will I be able to decide what to do when I leave?
When will I have the courage to manage leaving a familiar and warm place for a new, unfamiliar place?
My mom told me that during CNY, her friend asked her why I looked so unhappy. Was I very stressed out at work? If I look unhappy even during a break, I think there is something wrong. Something wrong with the way I think? Something wrong with the job-personality fit? I don't know, but definitely something wrong.
In my line, you have to take very good care of yourself because the nature of your job is to "solve issues/problems". Problems come at you in all directions, from nearly everybody (except the admin, thank goodness!). You have to be hardy and soft at the same time. You cannot let other people's problems bog you down. I, however, am one who absorbs other people's problems like sponge absorbs water. I very nearly broke down middle of last year, if not for the timely course in August which allowed me to be out of school 2 out of 5 days. It literally saved my mental health, and I mean it. If not, I'd most probably be seeing a psychiatrist right now. So I am extremely grateful for the course last year, to have understanding partners this year and friends who've lent me a listening ear.
This year, I initially wanted to be married to my work (see resolution), but from the 1st week of school, I realized I can't. No motivation at all. Slowly, I fell into a pattern.
End of January, I selfishly told myself I'll save work for only work hours. I prioritized, focused my attention on more important things at work, I stopped bringing work home (though I can see I'll need to do so very soon), I stopped thinking about work after I've left school, I started doing things I liked again, I allowed myself to have fun. I felt the vast difference between my mental health last year and this year's. I hope I never have to go through that terrible period again (I know I'll probably have to, sometime in the future).
My happiness curve looks like a roller coaster.
That's all, good night.