Good songs sung by good singers are drugs.
Good songs sung by good-looking males with fantastic voices are aphrodisiacs.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
It is 11:07PM on Monday night. After 2 weeks of deliberation, reflection and self-damning, I finally sat down and decided to blog about how I feel.
Well, lie down on my stomach and blog, really, because my butt's becoming bigger.
That's not the point.
The point is that I don't like my job. I don't hate it, I just don't like it.
OK, so sometimes I hate it.
But sometimes I like it.
The problem is, though, that I feel like I don't belong in it. Ever since my first official day at work a year ago, I've woken up on Mondays feeling tired, excited, hopeful, happy, sad, fearful and even some sense of dread. Never before, however, have I woken up on a Monday feeling this extent of dread that I've felt today. In fact, I have not felt this sense of dread ever since my temporary job at IRAS 6 years ago. For the first time, approximately 4 weeks ago, I started "counting down to Friday" every week. That, for me, is the worst thing that can happen in a job and the biggest sign that perhaps something is not going right.
There are so many people I have to work with in my job - teachers, VP, P, parents and external agencies. Teachers come to me for solutions about their students and too often a times, I find I have no solutions for them. Though my colleagues in other schools have formed a network in order for each of us to reach out to each other, it's not near and immediate enough for me. I need more than just superficial discussion. I need somebody to discuss cases with in an in-depth manner. I need experience, a 2nd pair of eyes and a 2nd set of brains. I need somebody to pull me out of the school context and look through things with me from a clinical, 3rd party point of view. I need discussion on an entirely different level, something I try to do internally by reading and having a dialogue with myself but have miserably failed, something I have been unable to do so even with colleagues sometimes.
It is so easy to get lost in the mash-up of conversations happening in the staff room. So easy to get drawn into their concerns, complains and troubles. So easy to forget your place and yourself. So easy to withdraw and take a back seat, let things flow by.
As such, with each passing day, my belief in myself in my job decreases steadily.
And despite working with so many people, it is really so easy to get lonely.
Teachers have their own departments and fellow subject teachers to rely upon, exchange tips & woes. They have a structure to rely on. Sometimes I think it is nice to know what is the next step, what's coming up, what's the next topic. Sometimes I even think the marking they have to do is nice! Mainly because it is work which makes people feel like they are getting work done. Things seem... safe. Then again, I don't really envy their job as much as I sound like I do. But I like the sound of the structure they have, though it's a double-edged sword.
Mine, it is so varied and dependent on myself that half the time I wonder if I am doing the right thing.
The other half of the time, my lessons get cancelled because teachers forget I have a lesson with the kid and they conveniently substitute it with another lesson from which I can't take them out.
That is, even when I have reminded them 30 minutes before the lesson. Or have given them a copy of my timetable, with the child's slot highlighted for their convenience.
The most wonderful thing is, I don't think I have the right to complain. In fact, I don't even want to complain because my cases are comparatively lighter than what some of my colleagues have in their schools. So if colleagues ask how things are, what am I supposed to say? "Oh, I'm having problems. I don't know what to do with half of my cases and I have no idea if I'm anywhere in the right direction for the other half. Oh right, my number of cases is probably half yours. Or a third."
I've heard the responses, "Oh but you have so little cases! No problem!" or "Oh but you only have xxx number of cases! Why are you so stressed?!" or "Oh, new school! Easy!" enough times for me to decide there is no need to speak of my (non-existent) issues. So I smile politely, nod in agreement and kind of pack it all into a little neat package...
I'm lost in my job. I need a mentor, a partner and some exercise.