Feeling absolutely like a lump

Damn CW (I know he can read this)! Don't know whether to be angry or glad that I am now (once again) more conscious of my body and fitness level.

It does not help when attention is constantly drawn to various body parts and thinking how flabby it is. Argh. Not a bad thing, can be a motivator for working out, given how I've slipped off so much and how my body is now perfectly able (thankfully!). But still, it was nice not having to think about things like how the pieces of flab feels for a while.

Argh. Ok ok, need to instill more discipline.

Easy

It is easy to forget how much one can do and how much we can have. It is also easy to put everything in the back seat and enjoy for now.

Little bits here and there, when I see my friends' unusual determination and how much they have progressed, it is a reminder to keep going. Kudos to my friends who have progressed far and are closer towards what they are aiming for.

Tired

Stressed and mentally exhausted.

Thank you to a new-found friend in NIE for her always-present listening ear.

Random

Yizhen:
thought you'd be blogging daily

Stephanie:
haha
oops
ok, I'm going to blog about you saying this

I apologize for the lack of entries. Lots of things to do, homework to complete, people to catch up with and sleep debt to pay.

By the way, the Chicken Cutlet at Chicken Rice stall at NIE is pretty good. I suspect as long as it is not their 白雞(white chicken) or their (roasted chicken), their chicken is to queue for. That would explain for the perpetual queue before that stall, besides the Western stall.

And I spent $40 on 20 books at the National Library Board's (NLB) book sale. I almost hyperventilated right there and then. So many gorgeous books! Wanted to head over again on the last day but had to finish up some work so did not manage to do so. I was lamenting to my friends about how those wonderful books were lying there, waiting for me to pick them up, run my hands down their spines and open them up. So many classics I want to buy and keep. It was really upsetting to not have been able to head down on the last day.

That's all.
Too tired.
Need to sort out my notes and go to bed.
Eyes closing.
Mind dozing.
Good night now, off to bed.

Effort

It is a constant effort to keep things going and be positive.

GO GO GO, STEPH! *waves pom-poms in air*

Hammie died =(

Our oldest hamster died just a few hours ago. Its poor eyes were still open =( It was the tamest and loved it when we stroked or massaged it. I was just telling my father the day before that it seems almost like a dog or a cat, the way it just closes its eyes and lay there when we rub its head and behind its ears.

And now the poor little thing is dead =( Feeling quite sad about it.

I hope it did not die of a heart attack, because last night I put it together with another male hamster, thinking that perhaps it would like some company and they could groom each other (the hammie has been scratching itself a lot recently), and they got into a fabulous fight. I will admit that I was, in fact, relishing the fight because I thought it was a nice change for the little hamsters who must be bored with staying inside their cage all day.

My cousin suggested,

"maybe the other one knows hamster kungfu
*ARH-BISH* then its organs got rearranged"

-_-'''

Anyway, I like to think that I gave it a good experience the day before it died.
RIP, little father hammie, our most beloved hamster.

In a bout of emo-ness, sleepiness and with hurting fingers﹐ I wrote...

It may be because I am surviving on approximately 4 hours of sleep for the last 36 hours, but I am especially emo today. Not to mention that my fingers are slightly swollen and hurt from 2.5 hours worth of continuous handbells playing for the SAFRA half-marathon.

I'm thinking it is becoming more of a necessity for me to reflect and write about my emotions and day occurrences, or at least to start making it a habit again, because of the nature of my work. Prof. Oei once told us that in counselling, we have to be aware of and to accept our own limits and weaknesses, to be able to give our best to our client. For instance, knowing situations where we perform badly will warn us to be careful to either avoid or take note of it. I think it is also applicable in occupations dealing with people lives, it is essential to know ourselves before we can help others to the best of our abilities, the same way we must first take care of ourselves before being able to take care of others.

Anyway, I digress...

Swirl of emotions, really, of insecurity and uncertainty. Suddenly I do not know whether I can make it to the end of this path I have chosen. Suddenly I am overcome by a sense of helplessness and despair. It frustrates me and I am always reminded of the fact that I will never be able to predict whether I can make it, but that all I can do now are tiny steps in that direction and trusting that I will reach there one day.

In a more general sense, I don't know if I have chosen the right path to tread upon. I am not used to walking like this, rather determindedly and rather alone, towards a goal that is set by me and solely mine. Truthfully, I am rather scared. Often times, I would wish for somebody special by my side who will encourage me. However, it gets painfully obvious to me that there will not be somebody like that for quite some time so I try not to dwell on wishes like that. Much as I know there is family and friends to depend upon when the going gets tough, I think most of the time we'd probably have to rely on ourselves. Afterall, they can't be there with me 24/7.

So here I am, creating a world of my own, afraid, while looking backwards at the world in which I was comfortable in. However it turns out, it's going to be one long and tough journey.

OK, I'm starting not to make sense anymore. My mind is seriously blocked from lack of sleep. Good night.

Lots of men - SAFRA half-marathon

I am very excited about tomorrow, although I will be awake at the ungodly hour of 3am and I won't be sleeping tonight, because I will be seeing lots and lots of men at the SAFRA half-marathon! Running men are attractive men!

I am so excited that I have told my mom, plurked, twittered and am now blogging about it.

A friend told me,

Control yourself! Don't rape them!

-_-'''

I will be very exhausted tomorrow though, because I have to survive until evening time tomorrow with hardly any sleep.

Short (of a) story

Once upon a time, I was watching this Taiwan drama on Channel U. The couple in the show started to kiss. There was this heavy, depressing feeling inside of me and I looked away, feeling out-of-sorts and wanting to cry. Then I switched off the TV and came here to blog.

End of story.

Busted

I have survived the 3rd day of the course at NIE. It also happens to be the end of school week for me. We are lucky that it so happens we only studied 3 days this week due to the holiday on Monday and a rescheduling of coursework, because by today, the course material had finally shocked us into mental fatigue. I'm not sure in what mental state we will be in by the time this semester finishes. I swear by the time I manage to do my masters (if I ever get to it), I will know more about disorders from my diploma course than I did from my bachelor's.

We were covering language areas, an area that I had never contemplated exploring in my undergraduate days. To put it nicely, some of us were planning to either sleep with the books under our pillows or burn them, mix its ashes with water and drink it, in the hopes that it will help, somehow.

I can't even gather up the courage to pick up my notes to revise. Okok, better go do it now.

Survived!

And so I survived the first day of NIE, complete with:

1) being the usual fashion disaster on the first day of school (somehow I always do that on first-days and last-days),
2) getting off at the wrong bus-stop (I got down 2 stops before the correct one, even after I confirmed with the person seated beside me. Thankfully I factored in 0.5 hours "getting-lost" time into my expected travelling time),
3) forgetting to bring my pencil-box,
4) being appointed leader of a group,
5) being assigned homework,
6) experiencing the lunchtime crowd in NIE,
7) tasting horrible chicken rice,
8) bumping into my friends from NUS who were there as student teachers,
9) getting to know some great people in the course,
10) making new friends and exchanging numbers, and
11) feeling fantastic, excited, intimidated and exhausted all at the same time,
12) coming across a girl with (a lot of) armpit hair sneaking out from her sleeve while she pointed directions out for us,

within 8 hours.

Yes I really forgot to bring my pencil box. I brought everything I thought I possibly needed (mostly unnecessary, but I'm careful like that =P) and forgot to bring the most essential.

And travelling to NUS was pure bliss compared to this. I was fully awake for the whole 1.5 hours journey because I had to switch transport every 20 minutes. I so need that nap.

By the way, they were talking about APA formatting in class. Not sure how to feel about that (does "I miss NUS," count?) In addition, when I saw the 1,500 word essay assignment and that it contributes to 50% of my grade, I wanted to pack up my bags and go home to sleep.

NIE

From now (July 2009) till a year later (May 2010), I will be studying for a Diploma in Special Education (DISE) at the National Institute of Education (NIE).

So yes, I'm still studying. I feel like I've worked myself into a mood for working and then suddenly I'm still studying - an anti-climax right after we're expecting a climax.

Although I'm still in some ways considered a student, this diploma is still considered part of training for my work, so I don't feel like I can enjoy the full freedom of being a student (and being purely only a student). Somehow I feel the limitations and responsibilities of this job, in its written form as a contract (e.g. Cannot wear this, cannot wear that, cannot take this module, cannot take that module), already encircling its arms around me. Being somebody who has only very recently tasted the temptation of complete freedom and who is starting to discover the joys of the lack somebody else's values/ideas being imposed on oneself, I am already starting to feel the burden of a job. Though I strongly suspect this imposition will happen throughout life in many forms, I still don't like it anyway.

Anyway, I'll do my best. I'm glad I am in something that I am at least more than vaguely interested in.

On a side note, feels odd to be studying in NIE after having studied in NUS - first a NUS student then now a NTU/NIE student.

Wishing a happy school semester to all who has started or are starting school! For friends who are in NIE/NTU as well, hope to meet you all for meals!

Same old problem. Same old pain.

Escaping is too easy. Facing and overcoming is difficult.

Whenever I feel down, I remind myself that there are tons of people who have experienced the same, or even worse, pain. If they have coped with it, then I can as well.

Well, technically. However, I've often found out how weak I am in this area.

Anyway, I have just realized I've got lots to explore about myself and my surroundings. I want me to devote attention to myself. I want me for myself. I want me to love myself. I want me to learn about lots of stuff. I want me to be me and for me to accept myself.

I wonder when that is finally achieved to a certain degree, will this pain go away. I acknowledge that maybe it won't, but at least I know it will lessen and I know where I am headed now.

Tortoise

I took tortoise out from its tank as usual and put it on the balcony floor. That was in the afternoon.

AND NOW WE CAN'T FIND IT!!!

panic
I'm afraid it was somehow squashed to death, or I threw it into the bin without thinking or I put it in the toilet and forgot, or it is stuck somewhere we can't find. The worst thing is, it's not like a hamster which will run out when it's hungry. It will just stay in its hiding spot until it dies or something.

Dear tortoise, please come out of your god-damn hiding place.

*edit* My father found it hiding in my sister's school shoe, looking very shaken by all the activity. When we put it back into the tank and gave it some food sticks, it ate quite happily.

Always

I can construct a flowchart of how things turn out every time I try to contact him. Each time we just drift further apart until now he is but a tiny speck in the distance. Each time, it gets increasingly difficult to reduce the distance.

Every time, no matter what route I take, it still hurts. Every time, I tell myself it is OK. Every time, I know things will be better in the future. Today, though upset, I am glad I did not manage to get closer to him because it means there is no danger to both of us.

It still hurts and I just might cry myself to sleep tonight. But things are better this way and they should always remain this way. This is one glass where the cracks will always, always be present.

Always.