Thursday, December 31, 2015

End of 2015

2015 was a normal year. It was the same as 2014. I live in Singapore, have a roof over my head, food to eat, an acceptable income, and alright health. How bad could it be?

This is the year I realized how physically weak (and light) I was. Not something that can't be corrected, and I'm glad I know what to do next year regarding this aspect.

2015 is the year my income rose and stabilized. My friends and colleagues also approached me for a a business venture and we are starting out.

Also, not sure if it's obvious, but 2015 is the year my emotions took a down-turn. It is the year I really felt like I had no friends, no life, no worth, no goal and no sense of purpose. I had no idea who to turn to to talk about it. Everybody else seemed busy - busy with work, busy with family, busy with children, busy with marriage, busy with other friends. It is the year I forced myself to work, teach and to smile even when the muscles in my face seemed to not want to move.
It is the year I realized I have to seriously face my emotions and handle it, on my own. No friends, no partners. It is also the year I realized I have to reach out to my friends more, even though they have their own lives, force myself on them if necessary (lol) because I need their friendship, even if they do not need mine. I need them more than they would probably ever need me.

This year I learned I have to be more proactive.
I learned I have to be more positive.
I learned I have to accept that my friends have other commitments.
I learned that I have to create my own opportunities.

On the issue of relationships. I wish I have one, but I can't force one to happen. I'm probably not giving myself enough chances for it to happen - that's the bad point about being an introvert. I'm just going to let nature take its course. If I find somebody, good. If I don't, then so be it. I don't have a deadline.
I'll probably have sex one day. Right now I'm fine with the occasional make-outs with guys here and there.
If I'm 40 and still single, I probably have to field questions about my singlehood, but it's probably going to be part of my life by then.
I want my own home, so I'm planning to buy it based on my own capability. Then again, I'll be the one to take care of my parents, so I'll probably end up staying with them until their late years. And do you know how big my house is?! I'm still planning on buying a house though.
I want children, but if I can't, then I probably won't. Maybe if I find myself emotionally capable in the future, I'll adopt. Maybe I'll explore other options. That's for later. I know I'm looking forward to my brother having his own children.

In 2016, I just want to be healthy and have richer relationships with my friends and family.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Congratulations, You're Single

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Shiny tiaras,
a "single" sash.
Congratulatory handshakes,
made to feel
like a princess.

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Little cakes and red eggs,
a card with your face.
Big hugs and frantic screams -
Have you ever heard of that?

"It's nothing great,
it's a ton of work.
Better to be single,
rich and free!"

Then why did you marry,
was it by choice?
Or forced by culture,
were you held at gun-point?

Would you give up
your partner,
your marriage
and your child?
Get back your singlehood!
Your freedom,
your cash,
your sleep!

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Because everybody's single,
and then they did something
big.

"Congratulations on your success,"
that's what we really mean,
when there is hand-holding,
marriage,
and then, whee! Babies!

Milestones after milestones,
year after year.
Learning to not feel like a failure
although no milestones are achieved.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Friday, October 2, 2015

Regression

Horror is when you realize one day that you have not progressed as a person. Instead you have regressed. Instead of being the truthful, positive person previously, you have let hatred and jealousy grow freely within you, because it is easier to feed the negative than to cultivate the positive - the same way weeds can overgrow a flower patch when it isn't tended to daily.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Singlehood - The Practice of giving up hope

Couple of days ago, I came to terms with the possibility of me never finding somebody or getting married in this lifetime (again). Holding on to hope that it might happen is too much for me to bear and friends' assurances that "it is not your time yet", "you will find the person soon", "have hope" or sentences along those tracks just makes it harder because... I don't sense anybody out there for me. Maybe I am wrong but it is easier to just accept absence as default because not everybody gets somebody special to love and to love them back. Then with its acceptance I can move on to other things, at least temporarily, and hope that this desire will take longer to return, stay a shorter while, and not cause as much heartache with each cycle.

After I've come to accept a perpetual or long-term singlehood, I began to ask myself what do I do. How do I take care of myself? What do I want to do? 3 points popped up in my mind.

1) Others always have the opportunity to travel with their beloved, but since I am not going to have a beloved to travel with, it is time for me to travel alone. I have to learn how to go somewhere on my own and survive on my own without fear enveloping me. There isn't going to be some guy for me to rely on when I get lost or get hungry in the middle of the night. I am going to have to get my own food and my own ass back to my abode. My sense of direction suck balls, by the way.

2) Others have to share the cost of a flat or BTO with their beloved, but seeing as age 35 looms soon and it is likely I would still be single then, I have to seriously plan growing my own money and affording a place of my own, by my own. There will be no "combination of income" or "discussion of which size apartment is best for growing our family". It will be based solely on what I want and what I can afford.

3) There will be nobody to "send me home in his car" or "pick me up" when things ends late. Except for my lovely colleague and obliging father when he isn't too tired. Am I going to learn how to drive? I have never wanted to learn, but maybe I should. I'll dwell on it and see.

I will have to learn to manage my emotions when I see others walk down the aisles, when friends have children, when they fret over their children, when their partners hold their hands, when their children grow up, when they experience motherhood. Later on in life, and even now, I have to deal with feelings of worthlessness and feelings of being less of a woman because I may not ever have a child. Worthlessness because who the hell has never been in a relationship at 29/30 years old? Who at 29/30 years old, whose only experience with relationships are occasional flings?

All this that I'm saying, it must seem very silly and pointless to people who already have found somebody. People who are getting married or have already had children. I often wonder, if people wish for singlehood so badly, if they could push a button to reverse it, would they? Would they remove their beloved and their children? Go back to this singlehood which seems to plague me but which seems to elude them? To the simple joys of thinking only of and for oneself. Would they give up their family and a beloved's love for them? If no, then why do some people say, in various ways, "singlehood is better"?

I am ruminating again. I have to stop doing this. I have to practice giving up hope when the desire arrives, so I can live a proper life and be truly myself.


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Answering the question on my shirt

On my 21st birthday, my friends gave me a shirt that read "Explain to me why I need a boyfriend". It was meant to be a rhetoric question, but today, I have decided to answer the question and explain fully, to my T-shirt, why I need a boyfriend.

Why I need a boyfriend

1) So that I can know how it feels like to wake up in the morning and receive a good morning text telling me to have a good day, an after-lunch text, a mid-work text, an after-work text, or a before-bed text. I think it would really cheer up my day and give me the strength to go on on a particularly moody day.

2) So that I can actually call somebody or text somebody my troubles without feeling like I am infringing on their personal time, bothering or burdening them unnecessarily.

3) So that I can hold hands.

4) I need a driver who is not a taxi driver, bus driver, or my father, and who will volunteer to drive me someplace. If he does not have a car, then offer to send me home, sit in the bus with me, or offer to walk me home. It is very sweet to have that. I wish I can experience that frequently.

5) So that I can make out and have sex without feeling like a whore.

6) So that I can get warm hugs, kisses and cuddles anytime I want and not have to actually scrounge around for them or plead with somebody else to give them to me. Also, it would help me not feel like a whore getting them.

7) So that I have somebody I can discuss mundane things with.

8) So that I can have somebody to eat with.

9) So that I can understand what all those "relationship troubles" mean when my friends talk about them.

10) So that I can actually have somebody watch TV, go to the movies and do stupid couple things with.

11) So that I don't feel so alone.