Friday, October 17, 2014

Sometimes I find it difficult to express to friends how down I feel. Often times, I feel like I have no friends at all, though I know that's not true at all. 
People have come and gone though. Those with whom I've shared my innermost feelings in the past seem distant now. I hope I don't lose any more friends because I am very bad at making new ones and it takes so long to build a trust. What the fortune-teller said was true. Loneliness often overwhelm me, leaving me helpless. It is a burden I do not wish to have. I have forced myself to go to work and put on a smile when I am drowning in this pool of loneliness. My colleague can sense it at those times, but I always manage to successfully attribute it to the Friday-syndrome, where it replaces Monday blues (since I work mostly on weekends). At least I think I have been successful. Work manages to distract me mostly successfully during those times, but I know there's a dreariness in my actions and words when I teach. I always make a conscious effort to put it away because it is not the kids' fault that I am feeling this way and they deserve the best of what I can give. 
Sometimes I wonder why I am alive, then berate myself for wasting time and energy thinking of this when more productive things can be done, which makes me feel worse about myself. Sometimes I wish somebody can siphon my presence into themselves and make better use of me. 

I wish I am stronger on my own. I know I am stronger when I have somebody else with me, whether a friend or stranger. I know feelings of affection fuels me and makes me feel alive. At some point though, I have realized that I cannot depend on feelings of affection anymore because it breaks my heart every time. Like now, the way it is breaking my heart now. So I wish I can be stronger on my own, when love constantly eludes me. I have to be stronger on my own because love will constantly elude me for years. 

No point dwelling on negativity. Writing about it is a relief, yet also makes it worse. It is weird.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Normalcy

Feeling normal is like being able to breathe again after an extra long bout of cough. Or like an irritating itch in your throat is finally gone. We don't appreciate normalcy until something takes it away, however temporarily.

And so, today I am grateful that I have a full set of strong, working teeth. So that I can still eat what I wish and I can still look decent when I smile.


Saturday, August 16, 2014

Dark Period

I am currently in one of my "Dark" periods, characterized by extreme moodiness, irritability, lower tolerance (even of loud motorcycles), a dive in self-esteem, worthiness & optimism, and extended periods of extreme loneliness in circumstances which usually do not affect me.

Sometimes it starts off with a single negative thought and it spirals downwards from that point. Sometimes it coincides with the week before my period. Sometimes it just suddenly appears - to me, at least. I currently cannot tell if it is all triggered the same thing, but I know it is not always linked to my period. For instance, I felt totally normal last month.

This time round, I am plagued by thoughts of self-harm and death. For the last couple of days, I would suddenly be thinking about how insignificant I am, while coming out of the bath, or walking out from the MRT station. Tonight I thought, "I would like to die." It was not a violent thought. Instead it had a particularly calm vibe about it. Like, "Yeah, it would be suitable/nice." I have no concrete plans surrounding it, so I know I am safe.

It also feels like I have a reservoir of anger, frustration and untapped energy inside me. The last bout, I got so frustrated, I started crying in bed. This time round, I just felt like I had to do something to let it out, so I ended up scratching myself. It was something I had done before in my younger days but which had not resorted to for many years. Let me describe the scratch. It would be applied with a certain degree of force, not similar to relieving a mosquito itch, but rather to deliver sufficient pain for pleasure. Yes, pleasure. It's pleasurable to me, at least. It was like a refreshing startle, an outward expression of the pain inside, visual evidence of the self-degradation going on in my mind. It does not leave any scars, merely red marks which fades in hours. It is a temporary relief of emotional pain. At this current moment, I don't need to resort to physical pain because the internal pain is at bay and I feel OK.

Sometimes writing helps, sometimes writing does not. Sleep often helps. I still have not found a way to deal with it and not let it overwhelm me. I try not to let it affect the people around me because I know my extreme neediness appears around this time. I am usually not very successful at this.

It is surprising to know who are the people beside you in your dark periods. In my previous episodes, people whom I'd thought would be beside me, did not even express any concern. Instead, people whom I did not think would notice were the ones who asked after my well-being.

You learn a lot of things about yourself when you "wander to the dark side", even temporarily. This time round, writing helps. I can feel my mood lifting greatly. The Dark may return again tomorrow, or even as soon as 5 minutes later. However, I will enjoy my neutrality for as long as it can last.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Writing

The first time I heard the boom, it was soft in the night, its sound reverberating. The second boom followed shortly after, within 4 seconds. My first thoughts were what made the sounds. The second was that it sounded like dinosaurs walking.

2nd draft
The first time I heard it, it was the middle of the night. A soft but audible boom reverberating through the night. The second boom followed shortly after, within 4 seconds. My first thoughts were what made the sounds. The second was that it sounded like dinosaurs walking in the distance.

3rd draft
The first time I heard it, it was around midnight. A soft but audible boom reverberating through the night. The second boom followed shortly after, within 4 seconds. My first thoughts were what made the sounds. The second was that it sounded like dinosaurs walking in the distance.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Creative Writing

The moment I stepped out of the train station, the humidity hits like a wall. The cashmere knitted sweater, which moments ago was a welcomed item, suddenly felt greatly unnecessary. When I took it off, it felt thick and heavy in my hands. Dusty, even. As I quickly crammed it into my handbag, impatient to get my hands off of it, an image of a dry tongue in a dry mouth entered my head. Yes, indeed it was so.

Edited, 2nd draft
The moment I stepped out of the train station, humidity hit like a wall. The cashmere knitted sweater, moments ago a welcomed item, suddenly felt greatly unnecessary. Off my back and in my hands, it felt thick and heavy. Dusty, even. Quickly, I crammed it into my handbag, impatient to get my hands off of it, the same moment an image of a dry tongue in a dry mouth entered my head. Yes, indeed it was so.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Random thoughts

1) Negative thinking is really bad for me. The bout this month is really affecting my work.

2) I have not been listening to music recently.

3) Glad that my skin is better nowadays. I'm experiencing a slight outbreak recently and am reminded of how lucky one is to have good skin. You have NO idea how demoralizing it is to live with bad skin  24/7 for about 10 years, seeing yourself in the mirror everyday and hating what you see, having multiple strangers comment about your skin and offering you suggestions, reminding you what a monstrosity you are, when it's the last thing you wish to think about. Even now, I somehow carry that shadow with me, even when I look better now. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "this isn't me" or "I am so ugly." Sometimes though, I look in the mirror and think, "I'm pretty!" It has never happened before so it's a good thing.

4) Cousin's son's 1st birthday today. He's absolutely adorable! No pictures because I was rushing to fill my stomach before everybody leaves the place.

Cousin told me I have to practice carrying a baby already. I laughed. Later on, an aunt told me apparently my other cousins have been kind of trying to match-make me with a friend of theirs. I was dumbstruck and then laughed it off again.

The trouble with me is, I don't do half-way, emotion-wise. It's either all or nothing. When I like, I like very hard. It's not something I can control very well. So when I get upset, I fall very hard as well. It actually affects my work. It's just easier to not hope that there's somebody for me and assume I'll live alone for the rest of my life.

5) Saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty trailer on TV today and reminded of the date I watched this movie with who disappeared suddenly (quite normal for it to happen to me actually). It was a good memory!

6) Slept too much this evening and I'm now wide awake.

7) I need to have sex. Like seriously. Or touch. 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A 4.25 am Monologue

It's 4.26 am in the morning and I've just had something like 2 hours worth of sleep before waking up at 3 am to wash up and plan a lesson.

I'd previously fallen asleep in my computer chair for 5 - 10  minutes and had woken up from a nagging ache in my neck, then realized my body has slid sideways in the chair. So I'd dumped myself immediately but gently in bed and set the alarm for both 30 minutes and for 2 hours later. I have a vague memory of waking up to the 30 minute alarm and randomly sliding my finger across the phone's screen before going back to sleep. Apparently my father phoned me while I was asleep (though I have no idea why since he was at home), but I had slept through the phone ringing beside me. My brain is really good at sieving out unimportant sounds. The 3 am alarm was effective.

It's really quiet at this time and very peaceful. Usually if I wake up this early in the morning, I will feel tired soon in about an hour or so. I can feel fatigue claiming me now.

It is 4.36 am. Good night and see you again in 2 hours.