Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Friday, October 2, 2015


Horror is when you realize one day that you have not progressed as a person. Instead you have regressed. Instead of being the truthful, positive person previously, you have let hatred and jealousy grow freely within you, because it is easier to feed the negative than to cultivate the positive - the same way weeds can overgrow a flower patch when it isn't tended to daily.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Singlehood - The Practice of giving up hope

Couple of days ago, I came to terms with the possibility of me never finding somebody or getting married in this lifetime (again). Holding on to hope that it might happen is too much for me to bear and friends' assurances that "it is not your time yet", "you will find the person soon", "have hope" or sentences along those tracks just makes it harder because... I don't sense anybody out there for me. Maybe I am wrong but it is easier to just accept absence as default because not everybody gets somebody special to love and to love them back. Then with its acceptance I can move on to other things, at least temporarily, and hope that this desire will take longer to return, stay a shorter while, and not cause as much heartache with each cycle.

After I've come to accept a perpetual or long-term singlehood, I began to ask myself what do I do. How do I take care of myself? What do I want to do? 3 points popped up in my mind.

1) Others always have the opportunity to travel with their beloved, but since I am not going to have a beloved to travel with, it is time for me to travel alone. I have to learn how to go somewhere on my own and survive on my own without fear enveloping me. There isn't going to be some guy for me to rely on when I get lost or get hungry in the middle of the night. I am going to have to get my own food and my own ass back to my abode. My sense of direction suck balls, by the way.

2) Others have to share the cost of a flat or BTO with their beloved, but seeing as age 35 looms soon and it is likely I would still be single then, I have to seriously plan growing my own money and affording a place of my own, by my own. There will be no "combination of income" or "discussion of which size apartment is best for growing our family". It will be based solely on what I want and what I can afford.

3) There will be nobody to "send me home in his car" or "pick me up" when things ends late. Except for my lovely colleague and obliging father when he isn't too tired. Am I going to learn how to drive? I have never wanted to learn, but maybe I should. I'll dwell on it and see.

I will have to learn to manage my emotions when I see others walk down the aisles, when friends have children, when they fret over their children, when their partners hold their hands, when their children grow up, when they experience motherhood. Later on in life, and even now, I have to deal with feelings of worthlessness and feelings of being less of a woman because I may not ever have a child. Worthlessness because who the hell has never been in a relationship at 29/30 years old? Who at 29/30 years old, whose only experience with relationships are occasional flings?

All this that I'm saying, it must seem very silly and pointless to people who already have found somebody. People who are getting married or have already had children. I often wonder, if people wish for singlehood so badly, if they could push a button to reverse it, would they? Would they remove their beloved and their children? Go back to this singlehood which seems to plague me but which seems to elude them? To the simple joys of thinking only of and for oneself. Would they give up their family and a beloved's love for them? If no, then why do some people say, in various ways, "singlehood is better"?

I am ruminating again. I have to stop doing this. I have to practice giving up hope when the desire arrives, so I can live a proper life and be truly myself.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Answering the question on my shirt

On my 21st birthday, my friends gave me a shirt that read "Explain to me why I need a boyfriend". It was meant to be a rhetoric question, but today, I have decided to answer the question and explain fully, to my T-shirt, why I need a boyfriend.

Why I need a boyfriend

1) So that I can know how it feels like to wake up in the morning and receive a good morning text telling me to have a good day, an after-lunch text, a mid-work text, an after-work text, or a before-bed text. I think it would really cheer up my day and give me the strength to go on on a particularly moody day.

2) So that I can actually call somebody or text somebody my troubles without feeling like I am infringing on their personal time, bothering or burdening them unnecessarily.

3) So that I can hold hands.

4) I need a driver who is not a taxi driver, bus driver, or my father, and who will volunteer to drive me someplace. If he does not have a car, then offer to send me home, sit in the bus with me, or offer to walk me home. It is very sweet to have that. I wish I can experience that frequently.

5) So that I can make out and have sex without feeling like a whore.

6) So that I can get warm hugs, kisses and cuddles anytime I want and not have to actually scrounge around for them or plead with somebody else to give them to me. Also, it would help me not feel like a whore getting them.

7) So that I have somebody I can discuss mundane things with.

8) So that I can have somebody to eat with.

9) So that I can understand what all those "relationship troubles" mean when my friends talk about them.

10) So that I can actually have somebody watch TV, go to the movies and do stupid couple things with.

11) So that I don't feel so alone.

Monday, June 8, 2015

External Encouragement

At times when your confidence in yourself hits a low and you don't trust yourself enough or that the words that you say are not convincing enough for you, it helps to think and rely on something positive that somebody you trust have said about you.  Then you keep repeating it to yourself again and again until you believe in it and until you feel better.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Unraveling Mind

On some days before the visit of the Red, I start to feel poorly. Emotionally and physically, but mostly emotionally. I start to get more agitated, more teary and short-tempered. This week, however, is not a typical pre-Red emotional roller-coaster, simply because Red was already over. 

This week, I had to deal with something I have not dealt with in a very long time. And also something I had never had to deal with. 

My mind was unraveling. Like a ball of yarn escaping a pair of hands but with the human hands still grasping a single thread of yarn, it unravels. It rolls away, seemingly with a mind of its own.

In the past, I could escape this cloud of gloom that descended me, without too much effort. This time though, it was a much denser cloud with engulfed me and which I (still) could not get out of. It has been at least a week or so. Ruminative thought followed ruminative though and before long, I felt out of control. Anger, frustration, helplessness and an overwhelming amount of energy, fuelled by a strong desire to do something flooded my being. I ended up hanging up the laundry as well as doing the dishes in record time, loudly, energy spilling out of me like a coffee cup filled to the brim and shaken around.

It's hilarious to think of it when you're feeling normal, but the emotion welling up inside was overwhelming, to say the least. Even up to a couple of hours ago, I was tearing up at any single, negative thought. I was tearing up as I ate my dinner at the food court. I was tearing up while I was on my way to a lesson and on the way home. It was bad.

Inside I was screaming for help, but outside I was mostly expressionless, normal and smiling. The inane feeling of wanting to dig my nails into my thighs and pull them upwards, nearly took over me one of the nights because it was, for some reason, too painful inside to bear and I wanted it out. But I didn't because rationality anchored me down. I needed help but I didn't know I needed it. I wanted somebody, anybody, to talk to but convinced myself it was ridiculous because the source of this emotion is ridiculous, my friends had more important things to do, and I didn't know how to tell somebody that I would like some company. It took me one week, until yesterday, to realize that I needed to talk. 

Even now, I think it is a minor thing, something not major enough to bother others with. Nevertheless, a nagging feeling inside tells me it is otherwise. It warns me that I need to find a way to deal with it, that it will come back in the future to torment me, even if it disappears for now.

Right now, it has stabilized and I feel largely normal, thanks to a meet up and chat with a friend yesterday. I also realize the need to face this emotion, accept it and work through it. All this while, I have been avoiding facing it, corking it until it cannot be hidden anymore simply because it was easier. However, it still bubbles, I can feel it. This immense sorrow and helplessness can grow to be so big. 

Please, please... I need the courage to deal with this.