Friday, May 15, 2015

Unraveling Mind

On some days before the visit of the Red, I start to feel poorly. Emotionally and physically, but mostly emotionally. I start to get more agitated, more teary and short-tempered. This week, however, is not a typical pre-Red emotional roller-coaster, simply because Red was already over. 

This week, I had to deal with something I have not dealt with in a very long time. And also something I had never had to deal with. 

My mind was unraveling. Like a ball of yarn escaping a pair of hands but with the human hands still grasping a single thread of yarn, it unravels. It rolls away, seemingly with a mind of its own.

In the past, I could escape this cloud of gloom that descended me, without too much effort. This time though, it was a much denser cloud with engulfed me and which I (still) could not get out of. It has been at least a week or so. Ruminative thought followed ruminative though and before long, I felt out of control. Anger, frustration, helplessness and an overwhelming amount of energy, fuelled by a strong desire to do something flooded my being. I ended up hanging up the laundry as well as doing the dishes in record time, loudly, energy spilling out of me like a coffee cup filled to the brim and shaken around.

It's hilarious to think of it when you're feeling normal, but the emotion welling up inside was overwhelming, to say the least. Even up to a couple of hours ago, I was tearing up at any single, negative thought. I was tearing up as I ate my dinner at the food court. I was tearing up while I was on my way to a lesson and on the way home. It was bad.

Inside I was screaming for help, but outside I was mostly expressionless, normal and smiling. The inane feeling of wanting to dig my nails into my thighs and pull them upwards, nearly took over me one of the nights because it was, for some reason, too painful inside to bear and I wanted it out. But I didn't because rationality anchored me down. I needed help but I didn't know I needed it. I wanted somebody, anybody, to talk to but convinced myself it was ridiculous because the source of this emotion is ridiculous, my friends had more important things to do, and I didn't know how to tell somebody that I would like some company. It took me one week, until yesterday, to realize that I needed to talk. 

Even now, I think it is a minor thing, something not major enough to bother others with. Nevertheless, a nagging feeling inside tells me it is otherwise. It warns me that I need to find a way to deal with it, that it will come back in the future to torment me, even if it disappears for now.

Right now, it has stabilized and I feel largely normal, thanks to a meet up and chat with a friend yesterday. I also realize the need to face this emotion, accept it and work through it. All this while, I have been avoiding facing it, corking it until it cannot be hidden anymore simply because it was easier. However, it still bubbles, I can feel it. This immense sorrow and helplessness can grow to be so big. 

Please, please... I need the courage to deal with this.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Somedays I don't feel alive

Somedays I ponder the reason for my existence. That's alright, I suppose, because it means I feel alive enough to ponder this.
Somedays I need to do things to feel alive, feel the adrenaline rush, feel the blood coursing through my veins.
Because somedays I don't feel alive.
So I would stand at my window and look out, feel the cool air on my face, look down 10 storeys, make sure that I'm alive.
Today, my legs don't feel alive. I hope they feel better tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

It is easy to pity people with disabilities and criticize their caregivers for not doing enough, thinking you can do better...
Until you start living with one. Then you start REALLY respecting patient caregivers who tirelessly give themselves without complaint.
I am not one of those patient caregivers. I can deal with stuff when they are at a distance from me, like most people. I can deal with occasionally buying tissue from people with disabilities, donating money, and visiting them once in a while. Most people do this, then give themselves a pat on the back for doing a good deed. Live with one, and see how you fare.
I cannot take the responsibility - I know myself, I am no altruistic person. I can deal with disabilities the way I deal with students and children - when they don't live with me. I don't pretend to be altruistic. If I feel like helping, I help. If I feel like somebody is pitiful, I feel it and maybe help them for a bit. It is tiring to pretend to be altruistic.
On the issue of children - I don't love children, although I teach them. I form certain bonds with certain children/students, but I don't love all children. I quite detest some of them, actually. I think my niece and nephews are cute, and most other children besides them, tolerable. Lol. If I ever have children in the future, I will understand if my friends don't find them adorable. When my friends have children, I am more interested in my friends' well-being than with their baby's well-being because I know my friends but I don't know the baby. Is it weird?

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Contemplation

Night is a time for contemplation. It can be peaceful for some yet scary for others. For the past couple of weeks, I found myself increasingly fearing night. It is too quiet, and faced with myself, it is too much to bear.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Year 2015!
In view of all that has happened (or not), this year I pledge to do things I have never done before.

Summary of change in appearance

Continuation from here, a timeline of changes in my appearance. Too much to catch up.

January
I got a new pair of spectacles. I mentioned it here.

February
Lunar New Year, usually the only time of the year that I dress up. This was with eye-liner, concealer, lip gloss. My skin is clear from here on.
March
How I usually look most of the time. The glasses really made a big difference. Looking at this now, I don't know why I spent money on getting braces.

August
There was a gap in my teeth which grew bigger and it started affecting my other teeth. Was really upset about it because I used to have extremely straight teeth.
September
I started on a 7-month long braces treatment. At around the same time, I had my eyebrows plucked - pretty much the first for me.

This picture below is taken using my Mac. It usually makes me look really good. I had on one of those contact lenses which makes my eyes look bigger. I also had on the standard of concealer, eyeliner and lip gloss. My hair was really listening to me at that moment in front of the camera. The braces had also changed the shape of my jawline slightly.

October
Had my hair cut and re-coloured for a lighter shade of brown. This would be a more accurate version of how I usually looked at that time.


December
Attended a JC classmate's wedding. My eyebrows were plucked, I had on concealer, eyeliner and a lip tint which belonged to my sister. This is my most made-up moment thus far. For the record, I look put together when I don't smile. When I am smiling or laughing wholeheartedly, my face looks like it is breaking apart.



Thus ends my transformation for this year.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Night is a complex thing

Sometimes when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and wish that I would sleep forever.

"Maybe this will be my last sleep," I would think.

Then I would think of how my family would deal with my material possessions. What would they think when they see my stash of porn in the external hard drive?

"Maybe I should have deleted it first before dying. Maybe I should get out of bed and delete them now. But what if I am still alive tomorrow and I want to visit my stash of porn? Seems like a waste to delete them."

And I will wake up the next day. Often times, I don't remember how I was feeling last night or why I felt that way. It would seem ridiculous to me that I felt down when right now, in the morning, I feel so positive! Once or twice, I would wake up and feel slightly disappointed that I had woken up.

Sometimes when I am very down at night (and it is very frequent nowadays), I would have this immense urge to have sex, lose my virginity to somebody, don't care who. However, since I am generally picky about who I am with and my body doesn't respond unless the atmosphere is right and my brain is in the mood, it doesn't happen. I have nobody to turn to anyway, and masturbation is frankly boring. So the drive and hormones just build up and up. It's like a hose with its opening blocked up so water pressure builds up behind it.

Since sex is out of the question, my pent-up energy goes out of control and I suddenly have an urge to ride a roller-coaster or jump off a building. Too cowardly to jump, so don't worry.

Too late into the night now. Good night.