This week, I had to deal with something I have not dealt with in a very long time. And also something I had never had to deal with.
My mind was unraveling. Like a ball of yarn escaping a pair of hands but with the human hands still grasping a single thread of yarn, it unravels. It rolls away, seemingly with a mind of its own.
In the past, I could escape this cloud of gloom that descended me, without too much effort. This time though, it was a much denser cloud with engulfed me and which I (still) could not get out of. It has been at least a week or so. Ruminative thought followed ruminative though and before long, I felt out of control. Anger, frustration, helplessness and an overwhelming amount of energy, fuelled by a strong desire to do something flooded my being. I ended up hanging up the laundry as well as doing the dishes in record time, loudly, energy spilling out of me like a coffee cup filled to the brim and shaken around.
It's hilarious to think of it when you're feeling normal, but the emotion welling up inside was overwhelming, to say the least. Even up to a couple of hours ago, I was tearing up at any single, negative thought. I was tearing up as I ate my dinner at the food court. I was tearing up while I was on my way to a lesson and on the way home. It was bad.
Inside I was screaming for help, but outside I was mostly expressionless, normal and smiling. The inane feeling of wanting to dig my nails into my thighs and pull them upwards, nearly took over me one of the nights because it was, for some reason, too painful inside to bear and I wanted it out. But I didn't because rationality anchored me down. I needed help but I didn't know I needed it. I wanted somebody, anybody, to talk to but convinced myself it was ridiculous because the source of this emotion is ridiculous, my friends had more important things to do, and I didn't know how to tell somebody that I would like some company. It took me one week, until yesterday, to realize that I needed to talk.
Even now, I think it is a minor thing, something not major enough to bother others with. Nevertheless, a nagging feeling inside tells me it is otherwise. It warns me that I need to find a way to deal with it, that it will come back in the future to torment me, even if it disappears for now.
Right now, it has stabilized and I feel largely normal, thanks to a meet up and chat with a friend yesterday. I also realize the need to face this emotion, accept it and work through it. All this while, I have been avoiding facing it, corking it until it cannot be hidden anymore simply because it was easier. However, it still bubbles, I can feel it. This immense sorrow and helplessness can grow to be so big.
Please, please... I need the courage to deal with this.