Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Answering the question on my shirt

On my 21st birthday, my friends gave me a shirt that read "Explain to me why I need a boyfriend". It was meant to be a rhetoric question, but today, I have decided to answer the question and explain fully, to my T-shirt, why I need a boyfriend.

Why I need a boyfriend

1) So that I can know how it feels like to wake up in the morning and receive a good morning text telling me to have a good day, an after-lunch text, a mid-work text, an after-work text, or a before-bed text. I think it would really cheer up my day and give me the strength to go on on a particularly moody day.

2) So that I can actually call somebody or text somebody my troubles without feeling like I am infringing on their personal time, bothering or burdening them unnecessarily.

3) So that I can hold hands.

4) I need a driver who is not a taxi driver, bus driver, or my father, and who will volunteer to drive me someplace. If he does not have a car, then offer to send me home, sit in the bus with me, or offer to walk me home. It is very sweet to have that. I wish I can experience that frequently.

5) So that I can make out and have sex without feeling like a whore.

6) So that I can get warm hugs, kisses and cuddles anytime I want and not have to actually scrounge around for them or plead with somebody else to give them to me. Also, it would help me not feel like a whore getting them.

7) So that I have somebody I can discuss mundane things with.

8) So that I can have somebody to eat with.

9) So that I can understand what all those "relationship troubles" mean when my friends talk about them.

10) So that I can actually have somebody watch TV, go to the movies and do stupid couple things with.

11) So that I don't feel so alone.

Monday, June 8, 2015

External Encouragement

At times when your confidence in yourself hits a low and you don't trust yourself enough or that the words that you say are not convincing enough for you, it helps to think and rely on something positive that somebody you trust have said about you.  Then you keep repeating it to yourself again and again until you believe in it and until you feel better.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Unraveling Mind

On some days before the visit of the Red, I start to feel poorly. Emotionally and physically, but mostly emotionally. I start to get more agitated, more teary and short-tempered. This week, however, is not a typical pre-Red emotional roller-coaster, simply because Red was already over. 

This week, I had to deal with something I have not dealt with in a very long time. And also something I had never had to deal with. 

My mind was unraveling. Like a ball of yarn escaping a pair of hands but with the human hands still grasping a single thread of yarn, it unravels. It rolls away, seemingly with a mind of its own.

In the past, I could escape this cloud of gloom that descended me, without too much effort. This time though, it was a much denser cloud with engulfed me and which I (still) could not get out of. It has been at least a week or so. Ruminative thought followed ruminative though and before long, I felt out of control. Anger, frustration, helplessness and an overwhelming amount of energy, fuelled by a strong desire to do something flooded my being. I ended up hanging up the laundry as well as doing the dishes in record time, loudly, energy spilling out of me like a coffee cup filled to the brim and shaken around.

It's hilarious to think of it when you're feeling normal, but the emotion welling up inside was overwhelming, to say the least. Even up to a couple of hours ago, I was tearing up at any single, negative thought. I was tearing up as I ate my dinner at the food court. I was tearing up while I was on my way to a lesson and on the way home. It was bad.

Inside I was screaming for help, but outside I was mostly expressionless, normal and smiling. The inane feeling of wanting to dig my nails into my thighs and pull them upwards, nearly took over me one of the nights because it was, for some reason, too painful inside to bear and I wanted it out. But I didn't because rationality anchored me down. I needed help but I didn't know I needed it. I wanted somebody, anybody, to talk to but convinced myself it was ridiculous because the source of this emotion is ridiculous, my friends had more important things to do, and I didn't know how to tell somebody that I would like some company. It took me one week, until yesterday, to realize that I needed to talk. 

Even now, I think it is a minor thing, something not major enough to bother others with. Nevertheless, a nagging feeling inside tells me it is otherwise. It warns me that I need to find a way to deal with it, that it will come back in the future to torment me, even if it disappears for now.

Right now, it has stabilized and I feel largely normal, thanks to a meet up and chat with a friend yesterday. I also realize the need to face this emotion, accept it and work through it. All this while, I have been avoiding facing it, corking it until it cannot be hidden anymore simply because it was easier. However, it still bubbles, I can feel it. This immense sorrow and helplessness can grow to be so big. 

Please, please... I need the courage to deal with this.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Somedays I don't feel alive

Somedays I ponder the reason for my existence. That's alright, I suppose, because it means I feel alive enough to ponder this.
Somedays I need to do things to feel alive, feel the adrenaline rush, feel the blood coursing through my veins.
Because somedays I don't feel alive.
So I would stand at my window and look out, feel the cool air on my face, look down 10 storeys, make sure that I'm alive.
Today, my legs don't feel alive. I hope they feel better tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

It is easy to pity people with disabilities and criticize their caregivers for not doing enough, thinking you can do better...
Until you start living with one. Then you start REALLY respecting patient caregivers who tirelessly give themselves without complaint.
I am not one of those patient caregivers. I can deal with stuff when they are at a distance from me, like most people. I can deal with occasionally buying tissue from people with disabilities, donating money, and visiting them once in a while. Most people do this, then give themselves a pat on the back for doing a good deed. Live with one, and see how you fare.
I cannot take the responsibility - I know myself, I am no altruistic person. I can deal with disabilities the way I deal with students and children - when they don't live with me. I don't pretend to be altruistic. If I feel like helping, I help. If I feel like somebody is pitiful, I feel it and maybe help them for a bit. It is tiring to pretend to be altruistic.
On the issue of children - I don't love children, although I teach them. I form certain bonds with certain children/students, but I don't love all children. I quite detest some of them, actually. I think my niece and nephews are cute, and most other children besides them, tolerable. Lol. If I ever have children in the future, I will understand if my friends don't find them adorable. When my friends have children, I am more interested in my friends' well-being than with their baby's well-being because I know my friends but I don't know the baby. Is it weird?

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Contemplation

Night is a time for contemplation. It can be peaceful for some yet scary for others. For the past couple of weeks, I found myself increasingly fearing night. It is too quiet, and faced with myself, it is too much to bear.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Year 2015!
In view of all that has happened (or not), this year I pledge to do things I have never done before.