Friday, June 10, 2016

Stop time, stop!

This year, I will receive a letter to renew my IC. This marks my 30th year alive, and I've never felt more useless. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I feel like I am going nowhere, I have no plans, I've done nothing and have no burning passion. I am directionless. Everybody else seem to know what they are doing, happy with their lives, marriages, families and children. And here I am, stuck at home, on my own.

I know if I want something, I've got to do it. But DO WHAT??? Stop time, STOP! I can't move on like this!

Friday, February 19, 2016

Valentine's Day

Happy V-day! heart emoticon I love you, Harry Potter World! You drug my mind every time I open you and delve into your pages. Do you coat your words with love potion, the same way Romilda coated the chocolates she gave Harry? Or perhaps you are casting the Imperious Curse on me, since I cannot help but find myself picking up the book whenever I have a free moment, reading late into the night, and carrying you around with me even to the toilet (where fortunately Moaning Myrtle does not reside). I wouldn't be surprised if the remnants of a Confundus Charm had escaped from within your pages, for it would explain the momentary confusion that clouds my mind whenever I close your covers, staring at whatever Muggle object is in front of me, wondering where my wand is. You are a magical book, for with every visit I see you in a different light, and at every visit I momentarily cease to be a muggle. I love you, Harry Potter World, forever and ever.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

End of 2015

2015 was a normal year. It was the same as 2014. I live in Singapore, have a roof over my head, food to eat, an acceptable income, and alright health. How bad could it be?

This is the year I realized how physically weak (and light) I was. Not something that can't be corrected, and I'm glad I know what to do next year regarding this aspect.

2015 is the year my income rose and stabilized. My friends and colleagues also approached me for a a business venture and we are starting out.

Also, not sure if it's obvious, but 2015 is the year my emotions took a down-turn. It is the year I really felt like I had no friends, no life, no worth, no goal and no sense of purpose. I had no idea who to turn to to talk about it. Everybody else seemed busy - busy with work, busy with family, busy with children, busy with marriage, busy with other friends. It is the year I forced myself to work, teach and to smile even when the muscles in my face seemed to not want to move.
It is the year I realized I have to seriously face my emotions and handle it, on my own. No friends, no partners. It is also the year I realized I have to reach out to my friends more, even though they have their own lives, force myself on them if necessary (lol) because I need their friendship, even if they do not need mine. I need them more than they would probably ever need me.

This year I learned I have to be more proactive.
I learned I have to be more positive.
I learned I have to accept that my friends have other commitments.
I learned that I have to create my own opportunities.

On the issue of relationships. I wish I have one, but I can't force one to happen. I'm probably not giving myself enough chances for it to happen - that's the bad point about being an introvert. I'm just going to let nature take its course. If I find somebody, good. If I don't, then so be it. I don't have a deadline.
I'll probably have sex one day. Right now I'm fine with the occasional make-outs with guys here and there.
If I'm 40 and still single, I probably have to field questions about my singlehood, but it's probably going to be part of my life by then.
I want my own home, so I'm planning to buy it based on my own capability. Then again, I'll be the one to take care of my parents, so I'll probably end up staying with them until their late years. And do you know how big my house is?! I'm still planning on buying a house though.
I want children, but if I can't, then I probably won't. Maybe if I find myself emotionally capable in the future, I'll adopt. Maybe I'll explore other options. That's for later. I know I'm looking forward to my brother having his own children.

In 2016, I just want to be healthy and have richer relationships with my friends and family.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Congratulations, You're Single

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Shiny tiaras,
a "single" sash.
Congratulatory handshakes,
made to feel
like a princess.

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Little cakes and red eggs,
a card with your face.
Big hugs and frantic screams -
Have you ever heard of that?

"It's nothing great,
it's a ton of work.
Better to be single,
rich and free!"

Then why did you marry,
was it by choice?
Or forced by culture,
were you held at gun-point?

Would you give up
your partner,
your marriage
and your child?
Get back your singlehood!
Your freedom,
your cash,
your sleep!

"Congratulations,
you're single!"
says nobody ever.

Because everybody's single,
and then they did something
big.

"Congratulations on your success,"
that's what we really mean,
when there is hand-holding,
marriage,
and then, whee! Babies!

Milestones after milestones,
year after year.
Learning to not feel like a failure
although no milestones are achieved.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Friday, October 2, 2015

Regression

Horror is when you realize one day that you have not progressed as a person. Instead you have regressed. Instead of being the truthful, positive person previously, you have let hatred and jealousy grow freely within you, because it is easier to feed the negative than to cultivate the positive - the same way weeds can overgrow a flower patch when it isn't tended to daily.