Wednesday, February 11, 2015

It is easy to pity people with disabilities and criticize their caregivers for not doing enough, thinking you can do better...
Until you start living with one. Then you start REALLY respecting patient caregivers who tirelessly give themselves without complaint.
I am not one of those patient caregivers. I can deal with stuff when they are at a distance from me, like most people. I can deal with occasionally buying tissue from people with disabilities, donating money, and visiting them once in a while. Most people do this, then give themselves a pat on the back for doing a good deed. Live with one, and see how you fare.
I cannot take the responsibility - I know myself, I am no altruistic person. I can deal with disabilities the way I deal with students and children - when they don't live with me. I don't pretend to be altruistic. If I feel like helping, I help. If I feel like somebody is pitiful, I feel it and maybe help them for a bit. It is tiring to pretend to be altruistic.
On the issue of children - I don't love children, although I teach them. I form certain bonds with certain children/students, but I don't love all children. I quite detest some of them, actually. I think my niece and nephews are cute, and most other children besides them, tolerable. Lol. If I ever have children in the future, I will understand if my friends don't find them adorable. When my friends have children, I am more interested in my friends' well-being than with their baby's well-being because I know my friends but I don't know the baby. Is it weird?

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Contemplation

Night is a time for contemplation. It can be peaceful for some yet scary for others. For the past couple of weeks, I found myself increasingly fearing night. It is too quiet, and faced with myself, it is too much to bear.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Year 2015!
In view of all that has happened (or not), this year I pledge to do things I have never done before.

Summary of change in appearance

Continuation from here, a timeline of changes in my appearance. Too much to catch up.

January
I got a new pair of spectacles. I mentioned it here.

February
Lunar New Year, usually the only time of the year that I dress up. This was with eye-liner, concealer, lip gloss. My skin is clear from here on.
March
How I usually look most of the time. The glasses really made a big difference. Looking at this now, I don't know why I spent money on getting braces.

August
There was a gap in my teeth which grew bigger and it started affecting my other teeth. Was really upset about it because I used to have extremely straight teeth.
September
I started on a 7-month long braces treatment. At around the same time, I had my eyebrows plucked - pretty much the first for me.

This picture below is taken using my Mac. It usually makes me look really good. I had on one of those contact lenses which makes my eyes look bigger. I also had on the standard of concealer, eyeliner and lip gloss. My hair was really listening to me at that moment in front of the camera. The braces had also changed the shape of my jawline slightly.

October
Had my hair cut and re-coloured for a lighter shade of brown. This would be a more accurate version of how I usually looked at that time.


December
Attended a JC classmate's wedding. My eyebrows were plucked, I had on concealer, eyeliner and a lip tint which belonged to my sister. This is my most made-up moment thus far. For the record, I look put together when I don't smile. When I am smiling or laughing wholeheartedly, my face looks like it is breaking apart.



Thus ends my transformation for this year.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Night is a complex thing

Sometimes when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and wish that I would sleep forever.

"Maybe this will be my last sleep," I would think.

Then I would think of how my family would deal with my material possessions. What would they think when they see my stash of porn in the external hard drive?

"Maybe I should have deleted it first before dying. Maybe I should get out of bed and delete them now. But what if I am still alive tomorrow and I want to visit my stash of porn? Seems like a waste to delete them."

And I will wake up the next day. Often times, I don't remember how I was feeling last night or why I felt that way. It would seem ridiculous to me that I felt down when right now, in the morning, I feel so positive! Once or twice, I would wake up and feel slightly disappointed that I had woken up.

Sometimes when I am very down at night (and it is very frequent nowadays), I would have this immense urge to have sex, lose my virginity to somebody, don't care who. However, since I am generally picky about who I am with and my body doesn't respond unless the atmosphere is right and my brain is in the mood, it doesn't happen. I have nobody to turn to anyway, and masturbation is frankly boring. So the drive and hormones just build up and up. It's like a hose with its opening blocked up so water pressure builds up behind it.

Since sex is out of the question, my pent-up energy goes out of control and I suddenly have an urge to ride a roller-coaster or jump off a building. Too cowardly to jump, so don't worry.

Too late into the night now. Good night.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Why I'm in a bad mood

I have been thinking about why I have increasingly been in such a bad mood and I know the answer. I have always known. The same way I have always known why I hold such a negative view of relationships, or why my fats are starting to show its presence on my tummy. I just refuse to admit those reasons and push them into a dark recess of my mind, hoping against hope that it would magically disappear one day. These things don't, though. They grow and become absorbed by your body, mind and soul, so that with each passing day, you increasingly find it more difficult to remember the reason for your emotions, until one day, you attribute it to something else more convenient and less embarrassing. The emotion never goes away until you acknowledge it, I guess.

So while I was washing my new clothes, vacuuming the floor, ironing clothes and hanging up the laundry (i.e. doing "responsible" stuff), my mind took the liberty of analyzing this anger I have been feeling. For a while now, I have resented doing responsible things. Things that the eldest child, and a female, should do. Things like doing household chores, washing up, throwing away the rubbish, preparing medicine for my uncle, doing random grocery (and medical) shopping for my uncle, keeping the food in the refrigerator, eating leftovers, etc.

My siblings don't do these things as frequently as I do (some they don't do at all), so why me? I kept asking myself. I realized though, that although my mom used to nag at me to do, nowadays she doesn't nag at me to do it as much anymore, mostly because I always get angry and ask why can't she ask my other siblings instead of always asking me. I think she gave up.

Basically, in one line, I am trying to shirk responsibility. Why am I trying to shirk responsibility? Because seeing how much fun my teenage sister has makes me insanely jealous. I did not have this much fun when I was her age. I did whatever my family told me to do. In fact, up until Sec 1, I would accept most food I was served for breakfast and eat it, even if I hated it. I always went home after school/band. I don't remember attending parties. I didn't have many going-out clothes - may be 1 or 2 pieces. In short, I was a very responsible, extremely good, cookie-cutter kind of girl. Except for my temper, which I vividly remember growing worse as I grew older.

And now, at age 28, I am refusing to grow up. I regret not clubbing, not drinking, not getting drunk, not having sex, not making more friends, not going to parties, not going out more, not staying out after midnight, not being braver, not trying more things. I regret not being a havoc teenager. In a way I can't help it because I never inclined towards those activities but I regret it now anyway. I regret always listening to my parents and being a good girl. Every day I have, shoved in my face when I go home, evidence of a life which I could never have, time I could never turn back. I feel like I can't do anything now, because I am 28 and I have to be responsible. I have to work, help with the housework, wash the dishes, hang the clothes, make sure the medicine is prepared, and vacuum the floor on weekends. It isn't a lot of work but it is symbolic of what awaits me. But I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be an adult and have to pay mortgages and have babies and give up my life for the babies I might have. I don't want to do all those without having been a teenager before. I don't want to be the eldest and the most responsible. I don't want my aunts to always look for me instead of my siblings when they have instructions to "carry the pot over, wash the cutlery, make sure your father has food to eat, make sure the uncle is eating his medicine." I don't want to always be the person my parents expect to help hang the laundry or wash the dishes when they are busy. When I do stuff like these, it's expected. When I don't do it, I get nagged at. When my brother or sister do it, they get praised for doing it.

I want to be the youngest instead. I want to be male, youngest and having lots of fun.

I find it laughable that at 28, my friends are married and have kids, and here I am refusing to grow up.  

Friday, October 17, 2014

Sometimes I find it difficult to express to friends how down I feel. Often times, I feel like I have no friends at all, though I know that's not true at all. 
People have come and gone though. Those with whom I've shared my innermost feelings in the past seem distant now. I hope I don't lose any more friends because I am very bad at making new ones and it takes so long to build a trust. What the fortune-teller said was true. Loneliness often overwhelm me, leaving me helpless. It is a burden I do not wish to have. I have forced myself to go to work and put on a smile when I am drowning in this pool of loneliness. My colleague can sense it at those times, but I always manage to successfully attribute it to the Friday-syndrome, where it replaces Monday blues (since I work mostly on weekends). At least I think I have been successful. Work manages to distract me mostly successfully during those times, but I know there's a dreariness in my actions and words when I teach. I always make a conscious effort to put it away because it is not the kids' fault that I am feeling this way and they deserve the best of what I can give. 
Sometimes I wonder why I am alive, then berate myself for wasting time and energy thinking of this when more productive things can be done, which makes me feel worse about myself. Sometimes I wish somebody can siphon my presence into themselves and make better use of me. 

I wish I am stronger on my own. I know I am stronger when I have somebody else with me, whether a friend or stranger. I know feelings of affection fuels me and makes me feel alive. At some point though, I have realized that I cannot depend on feelings of affection anymore because it breaks my heart every time. Like now, the way it is breaking my heart now. So I wish I can be stronger on my own, when love constantly eludes me. I have to be stronger on my own because love will constantly elude me for years. 

No point dwelling on negativity. Writing about it is a relief, yet also makes it worse. It is weird.