Monday, July 7, 2014

Random thoughts

1) Negative thinking is really bad for me. The bout this month is really affecting my work.

2) I have not been listening to music recently.

3) Glad that my skin is better nowadays. I'm experiencing a slight outbreak recently and am reminded of how lucky one is to have good skin. You have NO idea how demoralizing it is to live with bad skin  24/7 for about 10 years, seeing yourself in the mirror everyday and hating what you see, having multiple strangers comment about your skin and offering you suggestions, reminding you what a monstrosity you are, when it's the last thing you wish to think about. Even now, I somehow carry that shadow with me, even when I look better now. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "this isn't me" or "I am so ugly." Sometimes though, I look in the mirror and think, "I'm pretty!" It has never happened before so it's a good thing.

4) Cousin's son's 1st birthday today. He's absolutely adorable! No pictures because I was rushing to fill my stomach before everybody leaves the place.

Cousin told me I have to practice carrying a baby already. I laughed. Later on, an aunt told me apparently my other cousins have been kind of trying to match-make me with a friend of theirs. I was dumbstruck and then laughed it off again.

The trouble with me is, I don't do half-way, emotion-wise. It's either all or nothing. When I like, I like very hard. It's not something I can control very well. So when I get upset, I fall very hard as well. It actually affects my work. It's just easier to not hope that there's somebody for me and assume I'll live alone for the rest of my life.

5) Saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty trailer on TV today and reminded of the date I watched this movie with who disappeared suddenly (quite normal for it to happen to me actually). It was a good memory!

6) Slept too much this evening and I'm now wide awake.

7) I need to have sex. Like seriously. Or touch. 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A 4.25 am Monologue

It's 4.26 am in the morning and I've just had something like 2 hours worth of sleep before waking up at 3 am to wash up and plan a lesson.

I'd previously fallen asleep in my computer chair for 5 - 10  minutes and had woken up from a nagging ache in my neck, then realized my body has slid sideways in the chair. So I'd dumped myself immediately but gently in bed and set the alarm for both 30 minutes and for 2 hours later. I have a vague memory of waking up to the 30 minute alarm and randomly sliding my finger across the phone's screen before going back to sleep. Apparently my father phoned me while I was asleep (though I have no idea why since he was at home), but I had slept through the phone ringing beside me. My brain is really good at sieving out unimportant sounds. The 3 am alarm was effective.

It's really quiet at this time and very peaceful. Usually if I wake up this early in the morning, I will feel tired soon in about an hour or so. I can feel fatigue claiming me now.

It is 4.36 am. Good night and see you again in 2 hours.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Needy

Recently, this blog has become more like a diary than what it used to be. I don't even write about performances, concerts, places I've visited and the likes anymore. The urge to write seem to come only when I'm down, upset or in doubt about something. This entry is no exception.

I need an additional goal in life. I've been feeling so aimless and empty for a while now and aimlessness is not something I take very well. I need something else to work towards, something else to feel passionate about, something which excites me. I have no spark inside.

I also need a lover/partner/boyfriend, whichever term suits. Actually, maybe I need 7 of them, then I can contact a different one each day without annoying anybody. I'm very paranoid about annoying people because I can be emotionally needy and past experiences has somehow ingrained that "you're not wanted, you're not needed, you're annoying, I'll find you when I need you" mentality into me. So I try as much as possible to be as self-contained as possible, until I reach a certain point where I become very frustrated. And since I'm very needy, the point is lower than most people and I think I still end up sounding very needy anyway. It's kind of like a cycle too, where containment of neediness just makes all that need pile up, which makes me more needy.

Anyway, I need a new goal in life. Or somebody else should live my life and make a better use of it.

It's true what they say that your greatest enemy is yourself, and you can't escape from yourself, ever. The thought is depressing.

I should sleep. Sleep makes things better. Good night.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Some things you don't speak of, some rules you don't break

Some heartaches you don't speak of.

You bite your lip, cry in the shower, cry in your bed, cry yourself to sleep. Suddenly, the world seems colourless, everything seems mundane. You push the throbbing pain down and try to ignore it.

Sometimes you get distracted and the pain is temporarily forgotten. When it comes back, you bite your lip again, you cry in your heart, you cry in the dark. Try to push it back again.

When you get older you learn that some heartaches you cannot speak of. You learn that like most things, time will claim it. You learn that some heartaches are not worth it, but the initial impact is still as great as the first time anyway.

Some rules should never be broken.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Witching Hour

It was just pass witching hour. There I was, finishing up preparing for my lesson when out of nowhere, I thought, "It is as if I am living in a separate bubble, or a separate world."

That was it.

It was a statement that perfectly summed up how I felt about my life in general. This is why I feel so alone most of the time. This is why I feel that it is so difficult to make a connection with others living in the "real world". Either that or, like some gadget, my receptors and microphone are faulty, unable to properly receive and transmit information.

Even when I was in a group, there was this weird sense of being on the outer edge. Here but not here, there but not there. I don't belong to cliques. Never had one. I drift. I drift to wherever there exists a space at any point in time. It may be this group for now, or that group for a while, or it may be just on my own. It is not to say that I don't have friends. I have lovely, very special friends. When I make friends, I see them as very special and they will always have a special place in my heart and my life. Even when some do not see me in the same way at first (haha!). It is also not to say that I don't go out with them, I do.

As I grow older, I start to understand and learn that unlike others who have their groups to fall back on, I have to fall back on myself. I have to learn to enjoy my own company and my thoughts. I have to build a repertoire of what I want and like to do and then go ahead and do them on my own. Because I am going to spend a lot of time with myself, whether I like it or not. It is an odd feeling, a weird realization, a rather upsetting thing to have to swallow. After all, no man likes to be an island, even one with few connecting bridges to other places.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Words count as foreplay

It was a sexually-charged weekend, so here's a sexually-related post.

Do you know that what constitutes as foreplay differs from person to person? For me, words can be foreplay. Whether you speak it or write it, if it is crafted beautifully as in a sentence, teasingly in the choice of words, and sincerely in its execution, it counts as foreplay for me. If your choice of words shows your intelligence and knowledge of the world around us, you increase in appeal to me. It's like words took my brain and poked violently at the portions which stimulates certain body parts.

It also makes me want to grab the person and swallow him whole, the same way I want to smash my face into a bunch of adorable, feathery sparrows while they twitter in joy or fright.

Somebody once blatantly asked me, "What turns you on?" I was stumped. Well, now I know.

Words and skin, baby. Words and skin.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Working through EVERYTHING

Ended up on Quora on the night of my break day and reading through random questions appearing on my feed. One of the answers reminded and then elaborated more on the topic of relationships, something which is (irritatingly) constantly on my mind, of course. Since I have never really been in a relationship, I cannot really compare anything, nor have I really experienced the ups and downs in one. Thus, it was interesting to read an answer to a misconception (or a belief?) I have always had.

The answer first states the misconception, then the answer.

1. Being in a happy relationship means that you will never again feel_______(insert depressed, lonely, scared, insecure, etc).
As an awkward girl who spent most of high school and college dateless, I often thought that being in a relationship would somehow "solve" all my problems. Thinking that being in a relationship will instantly solve your problems is a pipe dream. A happy, loving relationship is one life's greatest joys, but it can't solve the things you don't like about yourself. You have to do that, with work.

Well, nowadays I don't think that being in a relationship will solve all my problems (I have somehow acquired that knowledge magically without ever being in one). I was more raptured by what she said about how it cannot solve the things you don't like about yourself and how I have to do that with a lot of work.

It reminded me of all my flaws, my low self-esteem, self-hatred, sense of loss, my rage etc. and told me that I need to work through it.

Man... I need a lot of time to get through all this.
Being in a relationship with me like this is out of the question, isn't it?