Friday, April 18, 2014

Lonely

I'm lonely and it honestly feels horrible. Social interaction only makes it go away for a while, then the loneliness comes back after that. It's getting to be so deep that sometimes I just want to hide under a blanket and surrender to it, let it take me over. My brain does not allow that, though. It logically analyzes a few things (and then speaks to myself as a 3rd-party):

1) Surrendering to it means that you are wallowing in self-pity. Self-pity is... pathetic.
2) It is not helpful to wallow in self-pity.
3) It is probably largely your fault that you are lonely. So that means you can probably do something about it.
4) Some of your "friends" are not really your friends. Think about it - have they stopped to simply chat with you, listen to your problems, thought to share their happiness and sadness with you? Stop validating your existence through their responses towards you. Might I add, I think I can be a pretty good (or decent) friend. So they're not worth it, really.
5) You need to start re-directing your energy somewhere else, take up more activities and have more goals.

My emotions is acting more like a little kid though. One ear in, one ear out.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Religion - Buddhism

A lot of people are converting to Christianity nowadays. It kind of makes me feel sad because... what about Buddhism? It is a wonderful religion, so why isn't anybody looking at it? Well, maybe because its teachings are usually via Mandarin.

I'm not particularly religious, but I am attracted to Buddhism more than the other religions. Perhaps because Buddhism is not merely a religion - it is a way of living. Often times, I think it is more philosophical than religious, which is why I like it. I have looked around and wondered, is not everybody a Buddhist in some way? If you are trying to look for the answer to life, trying to look past materialism, trying to live life with love, kindness and humility... then is it not synonymous to what Buddhism is?

In the book, "Buddha", by Karen Armstrong, she briefly describes what Buddhism is about.

In Buddhism, no authority should be revered. Buddhists must motivate themselves and rely on their own efforts, not on a charismatic leader. Gotama (otherwise known as Buddha), fought against the cult of personality, and endlessly deflected the attention of his disciples from himself. It was not his life and personality but his teaching that was important. 
He believed that he had woken up to a truth that was inscribed in the deepest structure of existence. It was a dhamma; the word has a wide range of connotations, but originally it denoted a fundamental law of life for gods, humans and animals alike. By discovering this truth, he had become enlightened and had experienced a profound inner transformation; he had won peace and immunity in the midst of life's suffering. Gotama had thus become a Buddha, an Enlightened or Awakened One.

Any one of his disciples could achieve the same enlightenment if he or she followed this method. But if people started to revere Gotama the man, they would distract themselves from the task, and the cult would become a prop, causing an unworthy dependence that could only impede spiritual progress.

Well, maybe it does not matter in what name one's religion is. Perhaps it only matters that people are practicing the teachings, however unaware of it they are. It is what Buddhism is about.

Monday, February 24, 2014

In truth

I open my social media account and see wedding pictures staring at me. I see proposals, couples enjoying their time together, couples in various stages of their flat application. I see all this and I can't help feeling sad. I thought I could be immune to it, but no, apparently I am too emotional to block this out.

1) Yes, I know I am supposed to enjoy my singlehood, make the most of my life, enjoy the extra money. It's a little hard to do that when you have nothing to compare against. Do you have a firm feel of what is the "4th dimension"? Can you imagine another colour which you have never seen before?

2) Yes, I know I am supposed to feel happy for them. Unfortunately, I am not going to pretend to be a saint. I'm not that big-hearted. I am just insanely jealous and very sad.

3) Yes, I know that I am very needy and that people aren't attracted to needy people. Yes, I know I have to BUILD MY PERSONALITY, BE AN INDEPENDENT PERSON. I just think it's nice to be able to call somebody to talk to, discuss ideas with, laugh with, receive a hug when I need it, have somebody's shoulder to occasionally lean on, receive a single stalk of flower once in a very long while. You know, somebody to be romantic with, and to be a friend with.

4) Yes, I know that couples quarrel and end up very heart-broken, sad, and angry. Well, I'm single but I'm sad anyway. I also fight with myself in my head. Haha.

5) Yes, I know I have to make an effort and go out more often and all that stuff. Well, I'm TRYING, though I don't say it on Twitter or Facebook or tell anybody. I also get jealous when I see people who don't have to make an effort (i.e. they just exist) yet land themselves a partner, while I cannot land myself a partner if I just exist. Haha, I just laughed because I found that sentence funny. I should just marry myself.

6) I really, REALLY hate it when people who have smooth-sailing love lives tell me, "You will find somebody soon." I just give them patronizing smiles and laugh while rolling my eyes inside. I'm sorry, but I cannot help it. You really aren't qualified to say that. How can a sailor who has only sailed through calm seas talk about sailing through storms?

I am just feeling sad. Saying "just don't feel sad" doesn't help. This is the one issue around which I am repeatedly (indirectly) told is wrong to feel sad about. "You have to be happy! Go do something about it! Stop feeling sad! It's no use!"

All of which I agree with, actually, but which is, sadly (oh my god, this word keeps appearing!), tougher to do than it seems. It kind of ends up becoming a cycle in which I start by feeling sad, then I get angry and berate myself for feeling sad, then I feel sadder after berating myself, and I get angry once again and berate myself again.

In truth, I'm just very lonely.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I am fed-up with my phone and social media

I am so addicted to my phone that I have to hold it in hand, check Facebook and Twitter every couple of minutes even when there really is nothing new or worthy to read. It came to a point where I ultimately got so irritated with the constant checking that I decided to stuff it in my bag and not hold it while I was walking the short 10 minute distance from the bus stop to my destination. Even then, the urge to reach for the perfectly-quiet-phone is still there.

That was when it hit me. I feel like technology, specifically social media and my smartphone, have impaired my ability to think, explore and discover. It is just feeding me information. Every time I open Facebook or Twitter, I get bombarded by know-it-all articles - articles written by people who have made certain revelations about life, about what kind of relationships is perfect (and thus how any other relationships are less worthy), about how you should marry the girl who travels (and thus marrying somebody who doesn't travel means you suck), how you should travel, how travelling will make you happy, etc.

I can look at it positively and say I am learning from others' experiences. After all, one's life is too short to make all mistakes, and it certainly helps to know the revelations that others have come to. This is akin to how our elders dish out their "life experience and advice" over dinner, so that the youngsters may learn from them. Only that social media has made it much more effective - they have effectively propagated a piece of knowledge thousands of times over, to thousands or millions of people. I have learned from a few of these articles myself. Also, the print always carries more weight than information told verbally, so we're more likely to take an article we've read more seriously than information that has been merely told to us.

However, we have effectively created a new level of social expectations we have to live up to. You have to have this sort of perfect relationship, hold this sort of perfect ideas in your head, say these words, behave in this way, or everybody will think that you suck. Oh look, everybody thinks that this is the sort of lifestyle that is the ideal, so you should go and do it, never mind whether you like it, want to or need to. Maybe it's just me, but frankly, I find all this rather tiring and overwhelming. Sometimes I want to tell them to shut up and that I will travel when I want to, according to my own preferences.

I feel like I've stopped discovering ideas and feelings for myself. Instead, all revelations are fed to me via somebody else's experiences. Yes, I know that piece of information is going to help me with my life, but I don't feel it, and heck if I don't feel it, I am probably not going to remember it. It's not an internal piece of me which makes me feel like I've accomplished and understood something in life. There is no feeling of triumph and success in believing that I'm holding a little slice of the secret of life which nobody else knows about (that's not true, but it doesn't matter), or the feeling of pride at realizing that I have figured out something on my own and am proud of. Nope. I go on Facebook and realize that about a hundred other people have also figured that out, earlier and more than I did. It's a little demoralizing because I have realized how insignificant, ordinary, boring and un-smart I am. Also, these articles come from individuals. Why do we take the opinions of individuals so much to heart, and treat it like it's "42"? I have to say though, some of the articles were pretty impactful and that I will (mostly likely) remember the points.

Summary. The good thing is it makes me want to be more than just me. Bad thing? I'm so addicted, I have to drag myself away from my phone to be more than just me.
Perhaps it's just me, but I have reached a point of saturation with Facebook. Need to learn how to use it properly.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Adult!

When I became an educator, one thing happened which suddenly elevated me to the status of an adult - a student asked me to open a packet of food for her because she could not open it with her tiny hands. I am invincible!

Let's Never Let Love

Exactly how I feel about love and relationships.
P.S. you can find the singer here. She's my favourite.



Let's Never Let Love (by Sophie Madeleine)
That smile you just shot me
That bullet of charm
You can save it and keep it for the blonde with the legs at the bar
I know what you are
But you sit at my table and tickle my spine
with those x-ray eyes that say oh my my oh my oh my

But there's a scene that is playing along in my head
And it has no beginning or middle, just one bitter end

Let's never let love get in the way
Let's keep it at just an infatuation
Let's leave it at lust and keep our hearts untaken
Let's never let love get in the way

You could just play me, or I could play you
We could start up a game if we only had nothing to do
But the minute we stop you'll be scratching your feet and you'll hate me for holding you back as you colour me green,
with every girl you see.

So put a kiss on my forehead instead of my lip
and I'll lend you a smile or a hand should you ever need it

Let's never let love get in the way
Let's keep it at just an infatuation
Let's leave it at lust and keep our hearts untaken
Let's never let love get in the way

New Spectacles

Another step in the journey. After 8 years, finally changed my glasses. A picture from the day I first got my glasses about 2 weeks back.

My experience so far - Beauty has been rather distracting. To me, that is. Distracting me from all other things which needs to be focused on. People such as shop keepers and strangers do tend to treat me nicer though - not explicitly, but there's a friendlier vibe about them, although it could just be in my mind. Seem to have more incidences of strangers looking at me as I walk past, but again, that could purely be just me. Am I more confident? I think slightly so.


Related: This is Me