People have come and gone though. Those with whom I've shared my innermost feelings in the past seem distant now. I hope I don't lose any more friends because I am very bad at making new ones and it takes so long to build a trust. What the fortune-teller said was true. Loneliness often overwhelm me, leaving me helpless. It is a burden I do not wish to have. I have forced myself to go to work and put on a smile when I am drowning in this pool of loneliness. My colleague can sense it at those times, but I always manage to successfully attribute it to the Friday-syndrome, where it replaces Monday blues (since I work mostly on weekends). At least I think I have been successful. Work manages to distract me mostly successfully during those times, but I know there's a dreariness in my actions and words when I teach. I always make a conscious effort to put it away because it is not the kids' fault that I am feeling this way and they deserve the best of what I can give.
Sometimes I wonder why I am alive, then berate myself for wasting time and energy thinking of this when more productive things can be done, which makes me feel worse about myself. Sometimes I wish somebody can siphon my presence into themselves and make better use of me.
I wish I am stronger on my own. I know I am stronger when I have somebody else with me, whether a friend or stranger. I know feelings of affection fuels me and makes me feel alive. At some point though, I have realized that I cannot depend on feelings of affection anymore because it breaks my heart every time. Like now, the way it is breaking my heart now. So I wish I can be stronger on my own, when love constantly eludes me. I have to be stronger on my own because love will constantly elude me for years.
No point dwelling on negativity. Writing about it is a relief, yet also makes it worse. It is weird.