Find A Job

I have been feeling pretty depressed for the last few hours. Maybe "depressed" is too big a word, maybe "upset" would be more suitable, but I tend to be quite extreme, you see. When I'm "upset", I think, "I feel useless, somebody could just take over my life and do a better job from it. Dying sounds just about right."

Anyway, I am upset because my parents have been telling me to find a job. My father occasionally raises my unemployment as a reason for why he cannot leave his job now (which is not true - the reason he can't quit is because of the housing loan - of which is none of my fault because I was something like 15 years old when my parents made a bad decision to move), and besides occasionally dropping hints for me to get a job, today my mom officially sent me a SMS to tell me again that I should get a job in the corporate world lest I lose touch, that I should gain more experience, that the benefits would be better in a job, and that my education is going to waste.

Now I feel like I should just abandon what I am doing and just go find a job.

Find a job.

Oh my god, I am on the verge of tears just thinking about "finding a job, going to work, and coming home."

It also feels like my parents are telling me that I'm not worthy enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not patient enough to do what I want to do.

I think the main reason why I'm upset is because my parents don't believe in me and I'm starting to not believe in myself.

NO NO NO. I CANNOT THINK THIS, I CANNOT GO BACK TO A DAILY GRIND WHICH I DON'T ENJOY.

I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT.

Every time you give up, somebody else gets it

Today I learned that I give up easily in the face of difficulty. I also learned that difficulties do come to an end, there is a rainbow after the rain, and there is a silver lining in every dark cloud.

Today, I am glad that I did not opt to give up although I was close to doing so. If somebody else can do it, then I know I can too. If somebody else can do it, then why not me? After all, every time I give up, somebody else gets my reward.

I want that reward.

1 year deadline

I am giving myself 1 year to do this thing I have in mind. 1 year later if I'm not satisfied with what I'm doing, then I'm back to being employed somewhere.

Don't waste your time.

Trying to write

So I have to stick to my resolution to write at least once every two days...

*taps fingers on keyboard*

...I have no idea what to write about.

OK, let's talk about the books that I'm reading now. My tastes change according to circumstances and right now I favour these two genres - Investment and Erotica.

I find myself unwilling to explain to others why I'm reading up on investment and money-related matters because I typically get a lot of doubt and rejection, and that negativity unconsciously gets into my mind and spirit. It turned out to be quite demoralizing to talk to others about it. So after a while, I decided there was no need to. Long story cut short, I'm reading up on it and getting into the scene because:

1. I don't want to always have "not enough money"
2. I want to prove to myself that I can do this
3. I don't like being employed - it makes me unhappy, and I don't like Monday blues
4. I don't want to regret later in my life not doing something different
5. I see how it is to live in Singapore and it is scary how much money I need just to survive now, and how much money I'll need to retire.
6. I want to have time to do what I want to do. Not just for 1 week, 1 month, 1 year. I want it to be for as long as I live.

Frankly, it is scary. Already, I've made mistakes. But I've learned from those mistakes. They were valuable lessons. I'm still not giving up despite the mistakes. That's all I'm going to talk about investment for now because it is scary enough to grapple with something so new without other people constantly injecting fear and doubt into me. Maybe I'll write a little more about it over time.

Ah, erotica! This is easy to talk about. Why am I reading erotica? I can say that I love how the words bring to life something so intimate... I really do love it, but mostly, I think I'm just an intimacy-deprived 27-year-old female who needs to get her fix somewhere. Visual porn is boring! Words, however, kicks my imagination into over-drive. The ability that erotica writers have of doing that with only words makes the whole writing a piece of art in itself. It makes me sigh with pleasure (nothing dirty here!) after closing the back cover of an erotica. Of course it also makes me insanely mad, jealous (sometimes) and sad that I am, ultimately, STILL alone. OK, WHATEVER. I cringe talking about this whole "alone" thing.

Now I'm just angry with myself for feeling lonely instead of doing something purposeful, like, save the world, or something. Great.

OK END OF STORY. GOOD NIGHT.

Not guilt, but abandonment and unworthiness

It was 3am when I opened my eyes and realized I'd dozed off in bed without washing up. It is now nearly 4am, as I seat myself in front of the computer and write this. I feel like I have to write it down because a wave of emotion and realization came rushing and hit me unaware when I opened my eyes at 3. I finally have the correct word. It was not guilt that I felt - I'm not such a saint.

It was a sense of abandonment.

It was not the first time, not the first person, but it is the same emotion, only I didn't know then.
Used with ease, you know?

So unworthy.
Why am I so unworthy? Am I really so unworthy? I don't want to be unworthy or abandoned like that. I don't want to always be "walking out the back door", at the back of some mind, to remember/use when needed. I don't want it.
I just want to be worthy, and I want someone who thinks I'm worthy enough, to stand by me. But if there's nobody who will think that of me with me, then I'll do it alone. I'll make myself worthy.

Well, it sure took a long time for me to put a word to it. Dumbnut.

Happy 2013!

Happy New Year! Last year I made some resolutions. Let's review.

2012's resolutions:

1) I resolve to be married to my work (in various ways), because I need to seriously consider my future pathway. I don't know about you, but I'm (almost) constantly in a state of fear that I'm going to screw up my life, or that I've already screwed up my life.
I did quite the opposite! I unmarried myself from my work this year after the first few months because I was so exhausted. Don't know why I stress myself out so much. In any case, at least I know I will be leaving the job and facing changes/challenges ahead. 2012 was the year I found investment as a pathway. I know it sounds altogether ludicrous, childish, fakish, ridiculous and silly, but I instinctively know it one of the paths I will go down for sure. I came upon it at a juncture of my life when everything was bleak, when I needed a door to somewhere, when I knew I was missing out on something but could not figure out what it was. It was exactly what I needed, it gave me hope in the everyday mill that I was going through.
2) I resolve to blog once a day or once every two days. It's a resolution that cousin surfslayer and I set together, in a bid to keep our minds active and help us organize our thoughts.
Oh I seem to remember this almost as if we had just made this promise to each other just last week! I try to but have not kept to the stated frequency. At least it increased my blogging frequency in the later part of the year though, and it's a resolution that was constantly at the back of my mind.
3) I shall continue on the resolution to have a healthier lifestyle - exercising regularly and healthy eating habits.
This, I do not think I kept to! At all! 

Not sure why I still keep making resolutions though it never really gets fulfilled!

2013's resolutions:
1) Write. Wherever, whenever, however. At the very least, to blog once every two days.
2) I shall continue with the resolution of a healthier lifestyle - early sleeping hours and regular exercise (to build mass).
3) See those other financial goals you wrote and pasted in front of you? Yeah, I also resolve to meet them.

I think resolutions should be renamed as a "To-Do" list.

Happy 2013!

Rest

Somebody on my twitter line said that in Singapore, students study and study, and then at the end of their studying life, they lose their drive to do anything else.
I was looking at the piece of card my sister had written for me on my 26th birthday. 26 years old, and on my 27th year now. Time is just slipping by. One day I'll die.
What have I done? Nothing? What do I do? I don't know. Nothing that I'm doing seems purposeful. Don't feel like I have the capability or energy to do things. I feel like a stalled engine. I feel tired. Right now, it feels like those years of studying and the past couple of years of work has caught up with me - all those lost days of rest and fun, and now all I want to do is to rest...

and rest...

and rest.